Monday, November 17, 2014

In the name of Happiness

Today I wanted to focus on happiness so I started thinking about what makes me happy. A flood of thoughts came in from friends, family, relationships, and struggles that have grown my strength, etc. All I can think of is how grateful I am for my life. Yes I have worked very hard at developing the type if life that I want to live but also feel very lucky.

I wanted to focus on happiness today because I have been struggling to see the best in things lately due to circumstances that are heavy and emotionally weighted, changing seasons and adapting to life’s developments. It has been wearing on my positive outlook. I’m feeling drained. So, how better to fight off the blues than to focus on what makes you happy! Right?!

Firstly, my crazy, quirky family who hardly speak to one another if at all. They are all such beautiful people in their own way. We all have faults but to love family I think you need to be grateful for your differences otherwise you just end up resenting one another and dividing. Random phone calls or texts checking in, asking for help or updating each other on lives is great. I love my family even when they don’t love each other.

My friends, always asking me to do stuff with them to the point that I’m totally exhausted- all the time! I’m not great at saying no, and I get so excited I want to do everything with everyone all the time. I am so happy that I have weirdo’s that like me as much as I like them. Yes, they are weirdo’s just like me… we are all strange and I love it. I’m being myself truly and have never before had better friendships with honesty, respect, mutual interests, support and so much laughter. I appreciate my friends so very much; they are after all the family you get to choose.

Relationships of all kinds are so wonderful and there are so many positive and inspiring ones to be engaged in. I am particularly thankful for three of these relationships today- my ex-partner who is continuously challenging my strength, inspiring me to be a better parent and reminding me of what I am worthy of (rarely in direct ways nonetheless a reminder is a reminder). I have an interesting relationship with a friend who is in a similar situation in life- we call on each other for support on occasion. This relationship is very unique and I am thankful to have someone who is endlessly supportive, doesn’t pry but cares more than most. And lastly, for my current romantic partner. I am experiencing communication I have only dreamed of, honesty and respect that I didn’t know existed in real relationships, not to mention someone fun to go do shit with… yay! Acceptance and support in such a gently and non-judgemental way, I can be me- I can show weakness, strength, insecurity, ego and have yet to feel judged.

I dive deeply into the “struggles” mentioned above. But I will say that anything that resembles a struggle is there for a reason. Usually to teach you a lesson or strengthen who you are in some wonderful way. I am working at embracing the moments I struggle with and simply sit with them, allow the energy to move through me and release it when it is time.

Thank you, to this wonderful world and all the people in it. Someone once told me that “The Universe Loves You!” and I completely agree. Life is so very wonderful and we all have so much to be grateful for. If you’re having a bad day perhaps make a list of things you are thankful for and your perspective may change. Or maybe coffee with a friend is needed…. It’s better than therapy, trust me on that.

With so much love and gratitude,
Dawnalyn <3

Xoxo 

Friday, November 14, 2014

Waiting for What?

My heart is broken.  I don't think I'm strong enough.  All I can dream of in this endless moment of despair is the free fall.  Of the throwing off and weightless sinking I crave to take the place of the gripping heaviness that consumes my twisted wretch of a core.

But I am adverse to bullshit.  And can't seem to bring myself to the avoidance of pain.  Though, at times, I question whether I am allowing it as a form of self-punishment.  A way to ease the deep seated guilt I feel.

I am so very scared of letting you down.  And so I stay.  I work through the moments of hyperventilating confusion and find tiny ways to embrace a growing love that heats.  And at times, burns.

I sense a distraction brewing in this writing.  A setting up of myself as the heroine who overcomes mighty obstacles, triumphing over the evils of fear and insecurity.  Seeking to draw out a happy ending because that is what fairy tales demand.

What if there is no fucking happy ending to a broken heart?  What if the jagged pieces we become are not to come back together as a new whole?  

How about I share a little truth here?  Well, the truth is I don't know if I will be ok.  I can't see the other side of my empty heart to a place where it feels full again.  And as I continue on the slide deeper into the hollow, I question my ability to make it up the other side.  Alone.

Because apparently I don't know how to be loved.  I haven't quite figured out how to receive to the extent that I give.  Or to share with others my needs.  And desires.

When someone offers help, I recoil.  Fearing charity and pretend.  And the burden of me.

And so I position myself an island.   No, less than that - a tiny rock on the island shore not yet smoothed by the current.  And it is here in my loneliness that I sit.  And wait.

What am I waiting for?