Am I lost or am I found by D.

I lay paralyzed by the darkness of the day. Immobilized and bound to the mattress by threads of emotion. Frozen lips call out but the silent words go unheard. Watching the minutes pass slowly as time goes backwards. The tingling of anxiety washes over my motionless limbs numbing me further into submission. All of the movement holds me still. The stability is so fragile and the fragility so solid. This is where the colors are so bright they are not visible and the grey areas are crystal clear.

Crash

I crashed hard yesterday.  Not the fall-into-bed and sleep 10 hours sort. More like a spend the day with cycling panic attacks, passing out from a particularly intense wave of fear, crippling self judgment, curled up in a ball breathless crying crash.

The shitty thing is that I felt this one coming and didn't know how to stop it.  I didn't reach out to anyone.  Or take the time off like I promised myself.

Self judgment.  Exhaustion.  Those are fucking monsters that hide in the closet behind the fancy dresses.  Waiting for a quiet moment to remind you that they haven't gone anywhere.

The fucked up thing about panic attacks is that every time one happens it feels like I'm completely betrayed by my body and mind. I just can't fathom how its capable of that shit.

I'm walking along all tickety boo and bam, the bottom drops out.  In a heart beat I'm flooded with hopelessness.  My heart responds by attempting to squeeze out the despair with rapid fire pulsing.

And now that's a recipe for disaster.  Mind and body uncoordinated and stepping on each other's toes every third step.  Dizzinesss.  So dizzy sometimes that I lose vision or pass out.

Then the real fear kicks in.  What's going on?  Am I dying?  How do I stop this?  Do I bother someone for help or try to deal with this by myself?

Where's the fucking reason for this??  When is it going to stop so I can have my goddamned life back?!

Lessons, growth blah blah bullshit.  Just another way to turn judgment back on self.

Sure, there's triggers.  Of course there's triggers.  Big ones, little ones, unsuspecting ones.

And I've got some pretty big ones right now.  But preventing them would mean distancing myself from the source.  Which I'm so fucking tired of doing.

I want to face the stuff that arises in my life.  To have the tough conversations.  To sit in the shit.  To be open in spite of my protective desire to close.

The only real purpose in life I've found that makes any sense to me is love.  And closing off means hiding from love.  I know because I did it for years.

Closing off was about avoidance.  And numbing.  Trauma will do that to you.  It's easier to shut off than deal when you feel unsafe.

But it's not that time anymore.  And I don't want to live like that.  I've tasted the freedom and joy of love.  And I'm not ever going back.

So I guess this panic thing is just part of it for now.

And today is a new day.

Becoming One with Fragility

If I were watching someone else I would say be gentle, go slow. It's ok to crack open and hurt from the inside. Sometimes we have to crack open as part of a transitions. It may hurt but that doesn't make it bad, merely uncomfortable.

Sitting still, trying to hold myself. I'm lonely and yet isolating myself probably on an intentional subconscious level. Why? I'm scared and overwhelmed and just feeling so weak.

I feel small and so tender. Like a delicate flower being thrashed by the wind yet there is only a gentle breeze nudging my soft petals. Every gust feels so aggressive and damaging. Hold still, hang on, survive.

Why the fuck is this such a struggle? Why can I muster up the strength of that warrior inside me. Because she is me and I am her. Together we stand (or lay) through it all.

I have never felt so solitary. Like the one daisy in a meadow. Exposed, unprotected, vulnerable and fragile. Somehow it still exists.

Even this writing feels disjointed and choppy. Lacking fluidity, power and grace of the beautiful warrior from the past.

My stomach flips again. I'm told I should eat, I can't. I'm told I should move my body, I'm stuck. You need rest, so I take the medicine. It feels like I'm being selfish so I try to distance myself to avoid impacting those around me. However, every interaction leaves it's mark.

Formulate a plan, that has to be the solution right. I don't know. I don't know how to make a plan for this. What steps to take. Who do I talk to or not. When is good. The plan doesn't make enough sense and I'm too exhausted to continue thinking.

I have no idea what is next or what I should do so I sit.

One step forward, 2 steps back.... by D

A promise was made when I expressed I was uncomfortable with your absence. "I'm here, text me or call me anytime. I have great reception where I'll be and I'm here for you any time". The first day on site this promise was broken. That hurts. I'm scared, as I've said. I'm uncomfortable, as I've expressed. I'm working on trust, this set me back.

I didn't respond well, I know. For that I'm sorry. Broken promises send me spiralling downward so quickly. I shared where I was at and why. I asked for your input to ease the pressure I felt -this made you more angry. And  so I responded poorly again.

4 messages in over 48 hours. 💔 Emotionless, frustrated messages. No kind words, no warmth. My heart is hurting at this point. And you're getting more angry. Every single attempt I make to reach out, shift gears to a more positive place, express love is stopped by cold, hard words. No love.

I want a relationship where I feel loved, valued, supported, SAFE, and important.

There is no warmth, no affection, no softness right now. I feel unsafe. I'm not ok. I can't handle it. I can't communicate.

When I let go of the anger all that is left is sadness. Damaged trust. Wary of showing vulnerability. Retreating. Walls of safety are up to protect my heart from being pushed aside further. And now I can cry.

My Journey Into the Darkness (and back) - 2016 In Review By D

October 24, 2016 - It all begins...

The down turn of events. He passes away suddenly in her arms, so tragic, so traumatic. She is wounded as deeply as her love for him ran.

I go to her as soon as I can, I make it there in 11 hours. She is broken and my heart aches for her. I hear her heart break with every sob. The first 48 hours is pure torture. My heart hurts for days. I can't eat and sleep evades me as I watch her every move. I can't take my eyes off her.

Hand in hand we survive the first week. I have to leave her for a day, I'm so afraid. Others flood in to hold the family, they all pull together. It's really a tragically beautiful thing to see.

We all celebrate his life and many more come to join us. They come by the dozens from near and far. They continue to come. My heart and my stomach wrench, twisting in pain for her, for us all. Such a strong and brave person to have fallen so quickly and abruptly.

I have to leave her again. I check in constantly, she is not well. And I concern for her health and safety daily. I can not stomach the idea that she will live alone. My gut tells me I must go to her, she is a danger to herself. Her illness is growing and I'm afraid. I can't face losing the other half of my heart.

I have others to care for too. For months I do the bare minimum for them. I can't focus on anyone other than her. I can hear it in her voice and feel it in my soul from 100's of miles away, she is very unwell.

I face battles. I fight wars. I sacrifice a relationship. I battle myself, and my opponents fiercely. She needs me, she needs love. Others in my world suffer, I don't know yet how much I will hurt them and set them aside. I'm doing what needs to be done. A life is on the line.

I come out on top of the battles. I'm wounded and my opponents are too. I don;t have time to think of my wounds now, I must go. I sell it all, give it away, say my goodbyes and shed my tears silently. I will hold that life in y heart and my thoughts so closely. It has allowed me the support and space to grow strong enough to move forward fearlessly. I cry alone silently.... often.

I cry for her, for him, for us all. My wounds come to the surface when all is quiet and dark and I'm alone.

We cry together, a lot. I check in on her late at night. I fear the tonic may be too strong one day and take her to another place too. I'm so afraid. I don't show her, she doesn't need pressure now. Only gentleness, space and love are needed now.

Each day I wake, push my fears, my wounds and my pain way down. I know one day they will surface with a vengeance. But not yet. We are still pushing on. Hand in hand. I'm so proud! She hasn't let go yet, maybe I did the right thing. Is it possible to save someone?

God I hope so...

The sun comes out. There are many more tonics taken to cope. To push through. To survive. It;s ok, we are all surviving the storms that come.

Broken, damaged, scared, exhausted, drained. I'm wounded. Badly.  I feel so alone. I hurt, everyday I'm limping on. I'm no longer strong enough to put on a brave face everyday.

My fatigue turns into impatience with those in closest proximity to me. My wounds feed my demons. They love the tonics too. I know it but I keep feeding them. They grow strong. I grow weaker. Limping through the days is hard. I trip and fall often now. It hurts. They hurt. We all hurt. I fall again and can't get up this time. From my hands and knee's I look up, scanning those around me. They all have wounds too and some are fresh. They are from me.

My heart hurts again...

They don't walk away. I have brief moments of strength or clarity. Just enough to have a conversation or two. I'm exhausted again. I'm so grateful that soe of my opponents are at such a distance, I have no fight left in me.

I look up again. There he stands. His wounds are apparent, still fresh. Very slowly, he reaches for my hand with the most timid smile. Why does he love me after I have wounded him so? He loves me? Really lovesme? Standing at my side, helping me up, holding me firmly until I regain my footing. Fuck, he's my Prince Charming. Not in the fairy tales sense, no, in the most real way. He loves me. His heart is gentle, kind and full of love for me.

Thank you Universe for this gift. I'm so blessed.

I look next to the child's eyes. She's sad, scared, hurt but so kind. We have love like nothing I've experieinced before. We have each other, always. We stand by the others side. Wise beyond her yeras and more strong than many grow people. She's full of life and full of love. The wounds she has will heal. She will grow stronger, she will thrive and weather all the storms. She is a lioness, fierce, strong, beautiful yet so gentle.

My eyes land on her again. Her wings are growing and they are glorious. She never knew what laid dormant in her. The passion is returning to her eyes, to her heart. Her soul is healing. It will never return to what it was, she must grow anew. One day at a time, exploring herself, the world, her emotions. I'm so insanely proud, so happy, even excited.

I think the storms have passed, finally! The winds are dying down, the tonics are fewer, the outbursts and sharp tongues are all subsiding. As the sun once again peaks through the clouds I stand up to breath.

On my feet I inhale deeply. Suddenly, before I can even exhale I'm blind sided by what feels like a freight train. What the hell just happened? I'm face down now. Everything is dark. I'm grasping for something to hold onto as I start to slide down. I can't see. It's rough and painful, I can't stop. Grasping for stability. Gasping for air. It's black here. So dark, there is no one else here. Bouncing off sharp objects along the way, they puncture my frail skin. I'm bleeding, bruised, breathless and alone.

The falling finally stops. I'm completely alone. Scared. Something sharp touches my leg, I kick it, I'm so afraid. I feel something on my hand now, It's burning me. I slap at it, it hrts. I'm so frail. Sensitive and so fearful. It;s still dark and I can't escape. I start feeling around blinded by the darkness. Searching for an escape from this terrifying place. I find nothing. Exhausted again. I submit. I lay down and close my eyes.

Laying still, frozen in defeat. The sharpness touches my leg again. The burning heat touches my hand. I'm paralyzed. It hurts my open skin, piercing and burning me at the same time. I'm so delicate right now. Never before have I felt this defeat. I lay as still as I can, enduring the pain. Small shards lacerate my skin all over my body. Some are deep and some are not, I can feel every single one regardless.

Something bright hits my eyelids. It's so bright, I can't see where it is coming from. I open my eyes slowly, cautiously for fear it will be something with more pain in store for me. It doesn't hurt. It's warm and soft on my skin. My face warms slightly. I climb to my hands and knee's moving towards the source of the light

It's growing bigger. Holy fuck, it cant be a way out can it? I think it is! Steadily moving towards the exit, hopefully I'm right. I make it only to collapse feet before the exit. There I lay for what feels like a week. I sleep.

When I wake I'm in his arms. He's telling me he loves me, I'm so strong, and it will be ok soon. I'm still in pain and afraid but I trust him. He wouldn't lie to me. He's my prince. So warm, he's so gentle with me, conscious of my wounds, protecting them even.

I'm so grateful, I'm on the other side. I rest. A small hand on my leg gentle wakes me. It's the same as the sharp touch from before but it doesn't hurt this time... My childs eyes meet mine. I'm so sorry love. The burning hand is once again holding mine... she's here too, I smile. It's the other half of my heart. And she's healing too.

They all hold me, love me. I'm forever grateful. I want to be gentle, kind and full of love once again.

It's time. I'm ready. I can heal. I will be well again and so I stand. I will not sink, not today. Not ever. I will be a warrior again, soon.

Innocent After All

By C

When did I lose my innocence?  When did the world stop being about discovery and joy?  Was it the first time I felt the blame of someone I trusted?  Or was it a slow progression of self-doubt and denial of desire?  It happens.  We are taught that the world is flawed; that we are flawed.  We forget ourselves and learn to fear the thorns rather than appreciate the flower.

We create story after story about our role in the world.  Everything becomes a big drama of control and blame and fear and possessiveness.  Challenges to our story become threats that could potentially take away the things we've claimed as mine.  And how dare someone challenge my story and question the drama of me!

An open question of concern from a friend becomes treason.  The slow traffic on the way to work is a personal attack.  And my job.  Well isn't that the ultimate betrayal?  My work is but another source of frustration and challenge to who I want to be. 

Being challenged is incredibly uncomfortable.  I recoil from the questions of self-doubt that arise.  My skin itches and thoughts prickle; begging for release from the discomfort that being me has become.  I want out.  I feel everyone's eyes on me.  Questioning what is happening and why I'm struggling.

I see a way out.  A way to redirect the attention.  I look to who or what sparked these feelings and create a story of blame.  I pour my heart into the words, feeling a small amount of relief as I tell my story to anyone who will listen and then justice as they appear to believe me.  

I keep pushing the story.  Pointing fingers and drawing lines in the sand. You either support my story or you're against me; becoming another chapter I'll write to support my version of how I want to be seen in the world.

Everything is out of control as my thoughts and feelings escalate to new levels of blame.  The villains of my story become selfish tyrants out to destroy my happiness.  They care nothing for me, or anyone else for that matter.  I lash out, now justified in my attack.

But my skin still itches.  And my thoughts still prickle.  Something isn't right.  The once-engaged audience has grown bored and is likely now engaged in their own drama of right and wrong.

In the quiet I realize that the temporary relief I felt in telling my story was just a distraction from deeper feelings of inadequacy.  Now my thoughts turn to the fear of loss.  I fear the loss of self-importance and my need to be right.  In truth, I fear the loss of my illusions.  

I can't take the discomfort of being in my own skin any longer and push against the surface.   Cracks begin to form.  An overwhelming urge to move and yell and laugh takes me over.  And so I do.  Slowly at first, then all at once, the cracks split me open.  Wide awake now, I watch the illusions that plagued me gently drift away.

When it comes, this loss of illusion, I feel nothing but calm.  Rather than having my world cave in I am set free.  The torment of fear is replaced with lightness and an understanding that the story I previously believed is no longer true.

I look to the source of my frustrations and laugh at the ridiculousness of my previous blame.  Everything around me is exactly as it was before.  But now I am different.  I've felt the freedom in letting go of my need to be right and prefer this lightness over the self-righteous indignation that previously soured my thoughts.

I begin to see that my personal challenges are nothing but mirrors; a reflection of those parts of me that beg acceptance and release.  My blames of selfishness are nothing but my own lack of responsibility.

I breathe deeply the knowledge that there is a better way.  Free for the moment of my constrictive self I feel only acceptance and gratitude.  A love for what is and how it has challenged me.

Perhaps it was all just a big misunderstanding.  A misguided belief that I need to blame and fear the thorns that tear at me.  To see the challenges as roadblocks rather than catalysts.  Maybe I'm still innocent after all.

I don't believe in waiting

By C

I don't believe in waiting.  Waiting for tomorrow.  Waiting for security, love, people, confidence, happiness.  Waiting for an unknown future that promises nothing.

I have often waited out of fear.  I had no idea how to begin and was scared that if I started there was no turning back.  I craved safety and security.  I recoiled at the idea of trusting my heart over my head.

Now, I'm not speaking of patience here. Patience is the allowing that comes after intention and action have occurred.  Patience offers solace in the understanding that everything is ok; that possibility creates in a gentle way.

But waiting...waiting is a copout.  It's a 'maybe later' that easily slips into regret.  Waiting is a choice to listen to the fears and limitations we believe of ourselves.

What would happen if we stopped believing our fears and limitations?  What's the worst that we may experience if we took a step?  Maybe we'd have to face up to the fact that we were wrong.  Or worse, maybe we'd have to change.

Change can hurt.  And it often leaves us so uncomfortable that we struggle with finding a new normal.  But nothing is as uncomfortable as staying trapped in our illusions.  Keeping ourselves small serves no one.

What if simply chose to take one step?  A small one, a big one, any step. What if we listened to the small urges guiding us and took a break from listening to the arguments of our brain?  The brain is so good at organizing, criticizing and judging;  always living in the past or some imagined future.  The brain is the part of us that sucks at trusting and being.  How can we possibly grow and evolve if we are living in this space?  It only knows of yesterday and believes this is all we are capable of.

Our steps don't need to be huge.  They just need to be.  They can't wait for a readiness that will never come.  How could it?  We really only feel comfortable with something AFTER we've experienced it.

Don't know what to do?  Then it doesn't matter which direction the first step is in.  And what an incredible opportunity for exploration!  

What if our dreams are so big that we can't clearly see the best direction to take?  Ahhh, this is a good one.  Well, maybe we just need to start.  Small steps, honest conversations, listening, trust.

That's it.  Trust.  Breathe.  Trust some more.  Stop waiting.

In Darkness I See

 The dark moments and dark people make others light shine even brighter. I am grateful for the dark parts of life. I'm literally choking on my words as I write this because it so hard to hold this in focus when the dark parts are leaving marks on my heart. This happened today. It hurt. I cried. A lot. I was distracted from the present moments as they came and went. However, in between those moments there were lights shining bright. Supporting. Loving. Holding. Accepting. These lights shined so brightly all day. Warming my heart with each smile, giggle and hug. I have to say a huge thank you to the darkness as it serves as a constant reminder of what should be focused on - the shining lights. To the shining lights- I love you, you warm my heart and soul.

-D.

How I know

With you, I feel at peace.  That's how I know I love you.  My heart feels safe and within this safety there is freedom.

I also feel a bit nervous with you.  This is also how I know I love you.  You challenge me to remain aware and within this awareness there is freedom.

So basically, with you I feel free. And this is everything 

~ C

Nothing left to do but listen...

~ by C

She spent a good part of her life afraid of others.  She didn't understand them.  And moreso, didn't understand herself.  

The self-punishment, passive aggressive tendencies, and malicious ways that both seep and pour out of us at times frightened her.  They eluded to oncoming pain and deprivation.  

She didn't understand boundaries, or allowing without taking on.  And felt the connection and dependency of all so deeply that thinking on the pain of others meant that she also suffered.  Her introverted softness and desire for vulnerability meant she felt the need to protect from the darker, painful ways or risk hurt.

And then, one day, she woke up.  She let go.  Just like that.  Something in her pulled towards full allowance and transparency.  Acceptance of everything exactly as it is.  Without judgement, or fear.  Only a quiet curiosity and reverence at what is.

In this moment she came alive.  Without fear, she left constrictive situations and ignored the judgement of others.  She followed her heart, finally understanding the divine feminine that pulls us all toward creation and allowing.  And at the same time, felt more pain that she could have ever imagined possible.

The allowing meant that she no longer pushed away or retreated.  And because she'd spent a better portion of 20 years learning how to not feel, she had very few tools for dealing with emotions and a shit ton to learn.

That small voice within also urged the need to sit with her emotions.  To open to them and wait.  She had always believed her life to be a beautiful experiment, and so she listened; risking both emotional safety and the security of aloneness.

Some days, she spent countless hours parked outside the grocery store, or curled in a ball unable to leave bed in the morning.  She was gripped by overwhelming grief of unprocessed emotions.  Bits of past longed to be aired and accepted.  

Her learned ways of ignoring and denial no longer worked.  The only way past was through.  And the more she resisted the gripping pangs of emotion, the longer and more painful the episode became.  

Attempt at control meant more pain, and so she learned small ways of letting go.  Slow and steady breathing, sinking heavy into meditation, reading the inspiring works of others, pouring her heart into words of her own for release, and opening up to her closest friend were her lifelines. She became an observer of herself, often feeling the sensation of being outside normal reality looking down on the happenings of daily life.

The control she used to think was keeping her safe was actually keeping her from the joy she so desperately longed for and somehow knew was hers to rediscover.  Looking at the pain and difficulties of others was no longer debilitating, but rather inspiring as it filled her with compassion and appreciation.  A gentle understanding that struggle often opens to appreciation, and suffering to joy.

A deep seated trust sunk in.  The fears still surface but now they are easier to recognize and even easier to release.  The sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach is now an alert to pause and process rather than run and hide; an opportunity for growth and experience.

And out of this rediscovery of truth, she has found a peace that keeps her grounded.  A love for what is, exactly as it is.  And a quiet knowing that every moment is new opportunity.  What happens next?  Only her heart knows that, so now there's nothing left to do but listen.  

Secret Longings

I used to think that wanting was wrong.  That my desire for more or different was a denial of gratitude and appreciation for the many people, things, and opportunities that are currently in my life.  I felt guilt.  And shame.  And even disgust at my secret longings.

What is wrong with me?  Why can't I be happy with what I have?  These thoughts and feelings tormented me and caused a hardening, a suppressing and denial of desire, and panicked fear that my longings would somehow be found out.

It didn't help that many others hold this same belief.  Friends, family, partners, even strangers with an opinion, who fear the change that will upset the way things are and recoil at the idea of deserving more.  The world of rules and order and cultural habit longed to keep things simple, organized, and obedient.  Ruffling feathers meant resistance and forceful dissuasion.

But sometimes these longings have no choice but to be expressed.  Sometimes we feel that the skin of our current selves becomes so restrictive that we need to shed it in order to breathe again.  Our longings pull so hard that they crack us wide open and drag us straight past the fears and judging eyes.  

And it is here that we find peace.  In this space of self-acceptance we discover flow and possibility and expansiveness.  Sure there are still fears that surface, and nagging questions of worth.  Even now, as I write this, I feel small pangs of unworthiness; lingering feelings that my desires are nothing more than trivial fantasies.  

But our new selves know that we sure as hell don't want to go back to that place we outgrew.  And truthfully, we couldn't fit into that old skin even if we tried.  

And guess what happens next?  The world expands with us and conspires to satisfy our desires; to fulfill our sincere wish for more.  Really!  

Our personal preferences are the distilled expression of our unique and beautiful being.  They are reflections of our current state and opportunities for expansion.  Change, growth, and evolution are propelled forward by those of us with the courage to express the vulnerability of our longings.

Is it scary?  Fuck yes!  Well, sometimes it is.  But once you've had a taste of the knowing that you are a powerful creator in your life, and see the effects of how your deepest desires serve to enhance and inspire your life and the lives of those around you, you will never go back to the belief that you are unworthy of more.

For me, it has been a very long and twisted road of self-discovery and acceptance.  One that I know now doesn't end but rather opens to more and more possibility.  Fulfillment and happiness are continually expanding concepts.  Now as I reflect on my life, I have so much gratitude and love for the way it is and has been, paired with an excitement for all of the many things that are yet to come!

Those big explosive moments don't tend to happen as often anymore because I now recognize the value of fulfillment in all of the small pulls I feel on a day-to-day basis.  Rather than waiting for the overwhelming need to escape and be rid of, I've been trying to find daily ways to express my desires and gently exfoliate the skin of my past self so that I can grow into newness.

The more we pay attention to and follow our preferences, the more we recognize the small feelings of desire as guiding hands on our journey.  And so we find people and opportunities that allow for this expression.  Who long to hear about our desires and what makes us come alive.  

My sincerest wish is that we all follow these desires that are pulling us in the direction of growth and fulfillment.  That we open our hearts to each other and accept the unique expression that we each choose.  And that we take the desires that are burning within and let them out to be so much more that we could have ever imagined possible.

On The Idea That We Are All Creators of Our Reality...

If I create my reality inclusively this means I can be or do anything I want.... woah!

I just had the craziest idea (or maybe it's perfect!), only time will tell.

I am a queen. Elegant. Graceful. Generous. Kind. Loving. Strong. My presence commands respect and admiration. I lead with compassion and consideration, gracefully guiding with integrity. My kingdom knows and feels my love for them in every word, every action.

My offspring is watching, learning, developing into herself. She is much like I am. At a young age she is strong, powerful, confident, a leader. She will one day have a kingdom of her own to guide and she is building it now. Stone by stone. Brick by brick as I have done with mine.

My kingdom is not yet complete. I continue to construct it tirelessly for the duration of my life. For I am the queen, how could I ever stop. Stagnation will lead down a path contrary to all that I believe. So I will continue to contrive my kingdom, my palace, my sanctuary.

My domain welcomes all with open arms. Community is so very important. It is my role to nurture and protect them all. And so I keep a watchful eye on those nearby. I extend my love as I am of service to the community and all those who reside here. My kingdom needs love, as much love as possible.

Each day is an opportunity for me to be a better queen. I muster up all of the love inside myself. I dig up my strength. I stand strong and tall. I show my pride and confidence openly. I rise above yesterday. I smile. I offer love and support. I speak honestly and respectfully. I feel gratitude, so much gratitude. I speak with integrity and love. I move gracefully and effortlessly. I am a queen.

Perhaps we are all the queens and kings of our kingdoms. Maybe we lead a domain every day of our lives. 

I am the queen of my life. My kingdom is my world. Those who enter, pass through, or stay in my life are the residents. How I conduct myself each day directly reflects how I lead, both myself and others.

With all my love your Queen in service, 

Dawnalyn

Shifting Gears (from Overdrive to Observation)

After reading a most amazing book (The Mastery of Love- which I recommend everyone and their dog reads) yesterday I can feel myself shifting. I'm moving into an observatory mode. Watching. Listening. Stepping back from interactions, mostly emotionally but also mentally. I want to engage less and observe more.

I increasingly notice when / where people have resistance. We can rarely understand others enough to know exactly why the resistance is so strong around certain topics yet it is there. Pushing back, rejecting, dispelling. I will not continue to push, to attempt to justify or validate my opinion/ information. If someone doesn't want it or isn't ready they will not receive it at all. That is ok, perfect in fact. 

I see others gravitating towards certain people, topics, areas, etc. They are drawn here. Sometimes as a trigger response to a validation attempt or seeking attention. Other times it appears to simply be an organic draw to interactions that leave you feeling good. This too is ok, perfect again.

Others hang their heads in self punishment, embarrassment, or other parasitic emotions. Making themselves pay for their actions, words, or interactions. Pushing themselves down to the ground as they have with others. Condemning themselves for their wrong doings. This is ok, perfect in this moment.

We are all at such different places even though we walk side by side, work together, play the same games, and interact similarly on certain topics. You can not convince someone to hear, see or feel something they are not ready for. And likewise, when you are ready for information, transformation, change, whatever it seems to resonate so intensely as if you can feel it in your soul! This is all so perfect.

Every moment we are exactly where we should be. But why must we punish ourselves? Conditioning? Our parents did, so now we do? Lack of self-worth? Acceptance? Normality? 

If self punishment is where you are, that is fine. We all choose to treat ourselves how we feel we deserve to be treated. What if self punishment and suffering just wasn't necessary? What if we acknowledge our "wrong doings" or the wrongs of others for what it is and let it go. How hard is it to break the patterns of self sabotage, short changing yourself, or self punishment? 

Well, we learned it somewhere right?! So, can we then learn to be more forgiving and loving? I think so. But I think we need to get clear in ourselves exactly how we define forgiveness and love. 

My daughter defined love last night as: "being nice to each other and getting along". It's a pretty simple definition. Respect, she defined as: "being kind". If we used definitions as basic as these they might be quite simple to implement into our daily lives a little more.

With more love and forgiveness perhaps we would all project our emotional garbage onto others. Maybe we wouldn't condition our children to think that our uncontrolled anger as adults is their fault. Perhaps bringing awareness to our triggers, anger, pain, sadness, or emotional outbursts will encourage us to choose our words more wisely and more kindly. Not just towards our children, but also towards our friends, college,  spouses and strangers.

Do those around us need to be punished because of the sadness, fear, pain, or anger we are feeling inside ourselves? No, they certainly don't!! These are all of our own emotions to acknowledge, face and deal with. Our triggers are ours, they are not someone else's fault. When an emotion is triggered in us it is entirely ours to own and manage. There may have been something outside ourselves that caused this emotion to arise in us... but it has arisen within you. Making it yours to own. Projecting this onto those around you is simply deflecting ownership and avoiding growth.

I wonder if we learn to own each of these things as they come up how things might change. If I recognize my triggers as mine (almost as if I triggered myself, removing the external component) how would I manage it differently? The pleasurable things that come into my life and cross my path, are they too reflections of my internal relationship? Is our relationship with the world around us a direct reflection of our relationship with ourselves? 

Are you / I constantly faced with people / situations that challenge our insecurities? Are you / I faced with people / situations that bring in love and highlight the amazing area's of life?

Maybe, just maybe if we own every detail of our lives, emotions, interactions, expressions, and ourselves as we are in this moment we will experience less suffering. 

As for me, I think I'll sit back and continue to take in the worlds around me, fill my heart and interactions with love and acceptance and see what happens... 

With all my love and gratitude,
D.

The Glimmer in Her Eyes

As I sit back and watch you and the others I am reminded once again of how grateful I am. Grateful for all of the challenges you represent and create in my life. You give me so many opportunities to act with the utmost integrity, self respect, and strength.

I have to confess that I have very few moments in my life (so far) that I would call "mom moments". For some reason I don't get this overwhelming sense of passion that drives me to be a great mom that, in my perception, other moms get regularly. I carry guilt about this lack of "mom passion" that seems to come so naturally to others. It gets particularly heavy when I feel the weight of being on my own. I had a break through recently. I felt it, that passion that arises. Kicks your parenting into overdrive and makes you want to be the best role model you could possibly be for your little person. This is partially due to you...

So I have to say Thank you. Thank you for showing me how NOT to treat others. Thank you for the opportunities to express my strength. Thank you for granting me moments to show my daughter what it looks and feels like to be a strong woman in the face of ignorance. Thank you for helping me teach her how to move gracefully through bullshit. You rock! Without you in my life these opportunities wouldn't be quite so abundant.

As I continue to watch you and others with gratitude in my heart and mind I see even more opportunity for me and her. I see how insanely proud I am to have a strong, courageous little person. In many ways she is a replica of me. I'm astounded to see the accomplished little lady she is at just 6 years old. I'm impressed and inspired to keep pushing forward. Stand strong, standing down only when it's in her or my best interest. Charging through life with her by my side. She is so tremendous already at such a young age. This girl is going to be unstoppable.

My motivation has been completely renewed and recharged. I have seen the strength a 6 year old can posses and show. I have seen clearly my own strength being displayed. I will never sell myself short again, ever. I'm ready. My heart is full. My soul is prepared. My mind is clear. Bring it Universe!

Try It

With love from C to you

What if you decided to try?

What if the decision to be all in is enough?

Maybe we are just always holding ourselves back for fear of failure or not being good enough

What a fucking waste of time!

If you're going to do it, do it

You don't show up on stage with half effort and expect an encore

Have the courage to be scared and keep going

Because your heart knows

Stop and listen

Love with everything you have

Find the magic

It's there

Don't believe the ones who deny it

They lie because they're scared

They're scared of pain

And of loss

But you don't have to be

You can be the one whose courage awakens others

You can live in the most beautiful happiness

We all deserve it

So why not you?

Do it

Now

So Fucking Grateful

From C

I am so fucking grateful

For every breath, every movement  

A blessing

Pure joy, infinite possibility

My health, my strength

The energy that surges through me and forms passion in all that I do

Also the weak moments

The fears, the confusion

Even the pain of loneliness

Because they are truth

And my purpose is to learn truth

Not the convenient truth

The surface mask of reality

Painted on like the face of an aging beauty queen

But rather the truth of imperfection

The magic that pushes it's way

into the tiniest of moments

A bright morning after a dark night of wretchedness

A slow smile that curls the lips and warms the soul

And...

So am I

A moment in time

The space in between that expands when you pause

That's what I crave

That's what I seek when all becomes confused

The gentle rustle of leaves

Wind making its way through as they bend to allow

The sound and feeling of movement

Of allowing

As are the leaves, so am I

Strong Enough to Try?

C

She fears that you only want her because she reminds you of something you've forgotten.  And then when you remember, will you move on?  You smile when she laughs, and hold her when you feel lonely.  But do you ask what she needs; what her heart longs for?

Will you be strong enough to try?  Will you risk your heart knowing that she won't give you the world but rather, share it with you?  

Because this is what she offers.  It's real, and messy, and beautiful.  Not the fantasy that you likely pictured when you first met her.  Or the image that you often see projected into the world.  But the vulnerable, soft and hard, brave and fearful woman who craves exploration of the depths.

She's waiting for you.  But she can't wait much longer.  Her heart craves connection.  And if you choose not to give it, then she will find someone who will.

When there are no words I write

From D

I have never wanted to commit my life to someone before, you were the first. It saddens me to think that I let that slip through my fingers or rather I probably pushed it away. In the moments that I wanted nothing more than for you to love me I pushed you away the hardest when I really just wanted to pull you in. I was guarding without even realizing it. I was holding back from showing you the full me for fear of rejection. I wanted your love but I was so afraid at the same time. Afraid of many things. As I know you were as well. 

You were one of the few people I believed when you told me I looked beautiful. I trusted you fully. Now I can't stop myself from shutting down in your presence. I like to see the real you, the unfiltered, honest version of yourself that you only show a few. That man is amazing. I love him. And even more than that I miss him. I miss the real moments, conversations and touch. 

I think I made you feel insufficient in some ways. I don't know how to avoid doing this and that's why I always told you how wonderful you are. Both of these caused issues that I wasn't able to overcome quickly enough to matter. You are enough. So much more than enough. In no way was I idealizing you, I was attempting to express appreciation for the strengths you have. They are so commendable, stable, and admirable. You are a man others aspire to be and you don't even realize it. You deserve to be appreciated and loved for all these great qualities.

It makes me ill to think of you with another. I can't stomach the thought of being with anyone else either. But, there is nothing I can do at the moment. I can't tell you I miss you. I can't joke around lightly as if nothing has happened. All I can do is let it be. Doing nothing. Watching in stillness as we try to navigate forwards.

I want to distance myself and engage with you all at once. It's quite confusing really. I don't want to see you everyday yet feel it would be unbearable too. So, I take no action. I shut down and close off. Attempt to maintain composure and fight the inclination to express anything real to you at all. I know it won't help and in fact will likely make you pull away. I'm lost for words, I'm lost for actions. So I freeze, try to force a smile when I can and with love in my heart I continue to push ahead.

Gratitude Through a Broken Heart...

There are moments in life that help you gain clarity so instantly, cause an explosion of gratitude and make you want to spread love.

A broken heart is an opportunity to grow your love. A physical wound is an opportunity to heal and strengthen. An emotional bruise is an opportunity to reflect and develop yourself further.

I just had one of these moments of clarity. Feeling so blessed for every little thing, every amazing friend, my health, acquaintances that have impacted me more than they know and all of my family. 

We are all gifted life everyday. We chose how we want to use each of these days. Our actions are our own desicion, every single one. Are we using these moments to add value, spread love and create connections?  I'm evaluating my choices and choosing to try to be a better me, spread more love and express gratitude and appreciation for what I have and who I have in my life. 

I choose love. To act from a place of love. Speak loving words. Give love freely. Accept love willingly. ❤