Farewell Love

~ Dawn

I have to thank you for being in my life. Without you I wouldn't have had the opportunity to learn what love means. Even now with you being gone I am grateful, not heartbroken. 

There are moments when I think I should be upset with you for "giving up" on us. Then I remember that I only have control over myself and very little else. I remind myself that love is not being with someone or having a partner. Rather repecting another and wanting only the best for then and honoring yourself and them completely. Simply that. 

Attachment to an outcome does not encourage or enable love. Time, space, self love and respect encourage love to grow.

Looking back I can see where we both fell short- I hate that term but am at a loss for another expression. I can also see what we did well. 

I love that you cried at that movie. When we were laying in bed, your eyes were closed and you said you missed me when we were apart. You listened and tried. You showed up more than anyone has even tried to before. In so many ways you were amazing for me. I learned so much.

I only hope that I added as much value to your life as you did to mine. I wish you a lifetime of love and happiness but even more than that, I hope you allow this for yourself. We all deserve love.

With love in my heart I say thank you and farewell.

We are Love

*Disclaimer for you Dawn :).  I like understandjng that love is irrelevant of, but so much more because of the other.  I like that I can share this and know that it's about anyone I choose :))

I’ve loved you so much longer than I’ve known you

And when I saw you, I knew

Every piece of me was pulled

Even those bits that I forgot about

The ones that thought they were done with this world

But I sure as hell didn’t know how to be with you

And so I rebelled

I fought that love tooth and nail

Pretending it wasn’t real

Making excuses for my so-called solitude

For all those walls I have up

“Oh, it’s to protect me

Because love hurts, you know”

And so, I question my sanity

Then laugh hysterically at the answer that does not come

Because it wasn’t real

Those walls were like a puff of smoke

They are felt, but all you have to do is take a step forward and you’re through

And really, I don’t need you

I don’t need your devotion, your commitment, to feel complete

I’m just me, alone

Sometimes…

But other times I am so much more

Because of you

Because of what you remind me of

Of who you inspire me to be

Of who we are and what we create

Those tiny pieces of me that come alive with you

And so, my heart hurts when I’m not with you

The home it has found with you feels half-way vacant

I want to touch you

I want to explore you and share with you

I want to make love with you

Like really make it

Not that pretend sort of love that seeks approval

Or the kind that desires to possess as though it will fix

And I know we do

Make love

We make love better than anyone I know

We give that shit away like skittles

And everywhere we go together people smile

Because they know

That we are love

~ C

More up top? Lol

If I wanted to be more attractive I'd get fake boobs.  But here's the thing - I just couldn't do that.  Or let alone anything else to my body for the sole purpose of appearing more attractive.

Why?  Well it's only partly because I wouldn't want to.  I mean, I can be just as susceptible as the next person to the need for approval from others.  But here's the big thing - I could NEVER do that to my daughter.

I'm always telling her that she's perfect exactly the way she is.  And really, she's pretty darned amazing.  A little fireball who says exactly what she's thinking, has an awesome sense of humor and loves like she'll never be hurt.

So what would it do to her if I showed her I felt not good enough the way I am?  Well I know what I'd think.  Basically that all those supportive and uplifting words were lies, a bit of make believe.

Perhaps the effects on her wouldn't be so obvious now, but as she grows and begins to experience the twisted beliefs and insecurities of others, she will likely come to rest on the idea that she also isn't good enough. And how could she believe anything else?  Everywhere she turns, she'll see people wearing a mask; putting up a front in order to feel love and acceptance.

And can you imagine the sinking feeling she'll get when she realises her mama is just like the rest of them?  The one person who is supposed to be a lighthouse guiding the way turns out to be just another insecure hypocrite offering empty words of praise tainted by self-doubt and fear.

So, though it may be fun to have a bit more up top, I just couldn't do it.  And you know what?  That's ok.  I secretly, or not so secretly, love my small boobs.  Because they're mine.

C

Freight Train

It's happening. She can feel it as it does. There is nothing she can do but sit and wait for it. 

Emotions are flooding in adding confusion to each moment. Clarity is slipping away and feelings of frustration are creeping in. She can stop this right, rationalize her way out of emotional confusion and fatigue! Not a chance in hell can she escape this. It's coming and as it gets closer it's picking up speed.

Like a freight Train stopping anywhere it can to add weight; baggage and momentum grow and grow. Full of heavy emotional cargo it comes for her. She sits frozen on the tracks struggling to cope. She'll think her way off the tracks, move and adjust herself with her mind. She remains frozen. Not one muscle moves. 

She can hear it now. Feel the vibrations on the ground as it nears her. The wind is picking up; the gusts sweep her hair across her face. She bows her head so the hair doesn't get caught up in the tears streaming down her face. They are flowing freely now.

She is suddenly aware of the scent of wildflowers is on the breeze but it is tainted by the smell of grease. Grease? 

She looks up just in time to catch the eyes of the conductor. They are so familiar. They look like home; but it's no use to attempt to run. The train is too near and she is still frozen; locked in battle with her mind. She can't look away from those eyes until it's too late...

She blinks, she's in one piece. But how? Slowly opening her eyes; it feels like they've been closed for days and the world is so bright. The sun is shining on her face and the wildflowers are in full bloom. Where is she? 

Surrounded by metal and the sound of screeching metal she is disoriented. Confused but the sun still warms her face with a comfort she has always known. 

She catches movement out of the corner of her eye. She looks up abruptly trying to see what it was. It's a window,  and the scenery is rapidly passing by. Confusing is escalating. 

Glancing around once again, this time more slowly. Taking in her surroundings in detail. The sounds of metal and gears, the scent of grease, the heat of machinery, the mental fatigue that remains from the battle she just fought with herself. Blinking hard and clenching her hands around cold metal. 

A deep breathe brings back those eyes... with a wave of anxiety the memories rush in. Those eyes are so familiar because they are her own. She drives the train. She collected freight at every stop then sat on the tracks waiting for the collision. 

Swallowing the lump in her throat she begins to settle. Clarity rushes in like ocean waves. Love is returning to her heart in warm rays. She is growing calm once again. Reset and ready to open her heart with renewed commitment to herself. She is new, vulnerable, strong and full of love. 

My heart is calling me

This is a moment of truth. A test...or more, a discovering of strength she has not yet known. It's new - intense yet subtle. Part of her moment of truth requires that she stand in silence wearing only her trust. She is stripped down to her naked truth. Only her genuine self remains and now more than ever she must trust. In both herself and the universe.  She is perfect just as she is; naked and vulnerable and the universe is there to support her until the end of time.

But what is her test, this discovering that she must face alone, naked and silent? Patience,  stillness and presence.

She must be calm and remain balanced- focusing on gentle fluidity.  She must be still in mind, body and heart. This space is needed now to allow room for new movement to enter. She must remain present in each moment as they are precious. They may never arise again and she must respect and honor each and every one as if sacred.

By embracing this test she honors herself at the deepest levels. It will take her to new places within her heart, deeper and more loving that she could imagine.

In this she trusts, in herself she trusts, in the universe she trusts. There is a deep knowing that calls out to her heart. She knows what need to be done to allow her heart to heed the call.

Surrendering herself completely - stripped down, naked, vulnerable, and excited with a heart full of trust and love she continues a journey of stillness,  observation,  acceptance, trust.

💜 Dawnalyn

In the name of Happiness

Today I wanted to focus on happiness so I started thinking about what makes me happy. A flood of thoughts came in from friends, family, relationships, and struggles that have grown my strength, etc. All I can think of is how grateful I am for my life. Yes I have worked very hard at developing the type if life that I want to live but also feel very lucky.

I wanted to focus on happiness today because I have been struggling to see the best in things lately due to circumstances that are heavy and emotionally weighted, changing seasons and adapting to life’s developments. It has been wearing on my positive outlook. I’m feeling drained. So, how better to fight off the blues than to focus on what makes you happy! Right?!

Firstly, my crazy, quirky family who hardly speak to one another if at all. They are all such beautiful people in their own way. We all have faults but to love family I think you need to be grateful for your differences otherwise you just end up resenting one another and dividing. Random phone calls or texts checking in, asking for help or updating each other on lives is great. I love my family even when they don’t love each other.

My friends, always asking me to do stuff with them to the point that I’m totally exhausted- all the time! I’m not great at saying no, and I get so excited I want to do everything with everyone all the time. I am so happy that I have weirdo’s that like me as much as I like them. Yes, they are weirdo’s just like me… we are all strange and I love it. I’m being myself truly and have never before had better friendships with honesty, respect, mutual interests, support and so much laughter. I appreciate my friends so very much; they are after all the family you get to choose.

Relationships of all kinds are so wonderful and there are so many positive and inspiring ones to be engaged in. I am particularly thankful for three of these relationships today- my ex-partner who is continuously challenging my strength, inspiring me to be a better parent and reminding me of what I am worthy of (rarely in direct ways nonetheless a reminder is a reminder). I have an interesting relationship with a friend who is in a similar situation in life- we call on each other for support on occasion. This relationship is very unique and I am thankful to have someone who is endlessly supportive, doesn’t pry but cares more than most. And lastly, for my current romantic partner. I am experiencing communication I have only dreamed of, honesty and respect that I didn’t know existed in real relationships, not to mention someone fun to go do shit with… yay! Acceptance and support in such a gently and non-judgemental way, I can be me- I can show weakness, strength, insecurity, ego and have yet to feel judged.

I dive deeply into the “struggles” mentioned above. But I will say that anything that resembles a struggle is there for a reason. Usually to teach you a lesson or strengthen who you are in some wonderful way. I am working at embracing the moments I struggle with and simply sit with them, allow the energy to move through me and release it when it is time.

Thank you, to this wonderful world and all the people in it. Someone once told me that “The Universe Loves You!” and I completely agree. Life is so very wonderful and we all have so much to be grateful for. If you’re having a bad day perhaps make a list of things you are thankful for and your perspective may change. Or maybe coffee with a friend is needed…. It’s better than therapy, trust me on that.

With so much love and gratitude,

Dawnalyn <3

Xoxo 

Waiting for What?

My heart is broken.  I don't think I'm strong enough.  All I can dream of in this endless moment of despair is the free fall.  Of the throwing off and weightless sinking I crave to take the place of the gripping heaviness that consumes my twisted wretch of a core.

But I am adverse to bullshit.  And can't seem to bring myself to the avoidance of pain.  Though, at times, I question whether I am allowing it as a form of self-punishment.  A way to ease the deep seated guilt I feel.

I am so very scared of letting you down.  And so I stay.  I work through the moments of hyperventilating confusion and find tiny ways to embrace a growing love that heats.  And at times, burns.

I sense a distraction brewing in this writing.  A setting up of myself as the heroine who overcomes mighty obstacles, triumphing over the evils of fear and insecurity.  Seeking to draw out a happy ending because that is what fairy tales demand.

What if there is no fucking happy ending to a broken heart?  What if the jagged pieces we become are not to come back together as a new whole?  

How about I share a little truth here?  Well, the truth is I don't know if I will be ok.  I can't see the other side of my empty heart to a place where it feels full again.  And as I continue on the slide deeper into the hollow, I question my ability to make it up the other side.  Alone.

Because apparently I don't know how to be loved.  I haven't quite figured out how to receive to the extent that I give.  Or to share with others my needs.  And desires.

When someone offers help, I recoil.  Fearing charity and pretend.  And the burden of me.

And so I position myself an island.   No, less than that - a tiny rock on the island shore not yet smoothed by the current.  And it is here in my loneliness that I sit.  And wait.

What am I waiting for?