Try It

With love from C to you

What if you decided to try?

What if the decision to be all in is enough?

Maybe we are just always holding ourselves back for fear of failure or not being good enough

What a fucking waste of time!

If you're going to do it, do it

You don't show up on stage with half effort and expect an encore

Have the courage to be scared and keep going

Because your heart knows

Stop and listen

Love with everything you have

Find the magic

It's there

Don't believe the ones who deny it

They lie because they're scared

They're scared of pain

And of loss

But you don't have to be

You can be the one whose courage awakens others

You can live in the most beautiful happiness

We all deserve it

So why not you?

Do it

Now

So Fucking Grateful

From C

I am so fucking grateful

For every breath, every movement  

A blessing

Pure joy, infinite possibility

My health, my strength

The energy that surges through me and forms passion in all that I do

Also the weak moments

The fears, the confusion

Even the pain of loneliness

Because they are truth

And my purpose is to learn truth

Not the convenient truth

The surface mask of reality

Painted on like the face of an aging beauty queen

But rather the truth of imperfection

The magic that pushes it's way

into the tiniest of moments

A bright morning after a dark night of wretchedness

A slow smile that curls the lips and warms the soul

And...

So am I

A moment in time

The space in between that expands when you pause

That's what I crave

That's what I seek when all becomes confused

The gentle rustle of leaves

Wind making its way through as they bend to allow

The sound and feeling of movement

Of allowing

As are the leaves, so am I

Strong Enough to Try?

C

She fears that you only want her because she reminds you of something you've forgotten.  And then when you remember, will you move on?  You smile when she laughs, and hold her when you feel lonely.  But do you ask what she needs; what her heart longs for?

Will you be strong enough to try?  Will you risk your heart knowing that she won't give you the world but rather, share it with you?  

Because this is what she offers.  It's real, and messy, and beautiful.  Not the fantasy that you likely pictured when you first met her.  Or the image that you often see projected into the world.  But the vulnerable, soft and hard, brave and fearful woman who craves exploration of the depths.

She's waiting for you.  But she can't wait much longer.  Her heart craves connection.  And if you choose not to give it, then she will find someone who will.

When there are no words I write

From D

I have never wanted to commit my life to someone before, you were the first. It saddens me to think that I let that slip through my fingers or rather I probably pushed it away. In the moments that I wanted nothing more than for you to love me I pushed you away the hardest when I really just wanted to pull you in. I was guarding without even realizing it. I was holding back from showing you the full me for fear of rejection. I wanted your love but I was so afraid at the same time. Afraid of many things. As I know you were as well. 

You were one of the few people I believed when you told me I looked beautiful. I trusted you fully. Now I can't stop myself from shutting down in your presence. I like to see the real you, the unfiltered, honest version of yourself that you only show a few. That man is amazing. I love him. And even more than that I miss him. I miss the real moments, conversations and touch. 

I think I made you feel insufficient in some ways. I don't know how to avoid doing this and that's why I always told you how wonderful you are. Both of these caused issues that I wasn't able to overcome quickly enough to matter. You are enough. So much more than enough. In no way was I idealizing you, I was attempting to express appreciation for the strengths you have. They are so commendable, stable, and admirable. You are a man others aspire to be and you don't even realize it. You deserve to be appreciated and loved for all these great qualities.

It makes me ill to think of you with another. I can't stomach the thought of being with anyone else either. But, there is nothing I can do at the moment. I can't tell you I miss you. I can't joke around lightly as if nothing has happened. All I can do is let it be. Doing nothing. Watching in stillness as we try to navigate forwards.

I want to distance myself and engage with you all at once. It's quite confusing really. I don't want to see you everyday yet feel it would be unbearable too. So, I take no action. I shut down and close off. Attempt to maintain composure and fight the inclination to express anything real to you at all. I know it won't help and in fact will likely make you pull away. I'm lost for words, I'm lost for actions. So I freeze, try to force a smile when I can and with love in my heart I continue to push ahead.

Gratitude Through a Broken Heart...

There are moments in life that help you gain clarity so instantly, cause an explosion of gratitude and make you want to spread love.

A broken heart is an opportunity to grow your love. A physical wound is an opportunity to heal and strengthen. An emotional bruise is an opportunity to reflect and develop yourself further.

I just had one of these moments of clarity. Feeling so blessed for every little thing, every amazing friend, my health, acquaintances that have impacted me more than they know and all of my family. 

We are all gifted life everyday. We chose how we want to use each of these days. Our actions are our own desicion, every single one. Are we using these moments to add value, spread love and create connections?  I'm evaluating my choices and choosing to try to be a better me, spread more love and express gratitude and appreciation for what I have and who I have in my life. 

I choose love. To act from a place of love. Speak loving words. Give love freely. Accept love willingly. ❤ 

Reflections

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately and I have discovered that I wasn't ready to involve kids to the level that I thought should be starting to happen. I think I need to take a different approach to relationships and reprogram in some ways. I want/ need to have separation in some ways. Kids being one way that I think I need more space and time. As well as the relationship itself... meaning I want to have my own life and be on my own in many ways. I do want partnership for sure, but I don't need/ want it to be full on all the time rather running parallel to one another, offering support and involvement but not 100% combined. I like having my own space to be alone when I want but I also like having someone safe and comfortable to have around at times. I was feeling pressured somehow to have this "normal" relationship but that won't work for my life nor is it genuinely what I desire. I was feeling pressure to make sure all the pieces fit "properly" and what they typically should look like but that all flushes out naturally and in time if you allow it, it breaks down with pressure.


I don't think there are many norm's that apply to my life at the moment and I wouldn't want them to. However, this means that I need to learn new patterns and I have to re-frame how I think and approach life. We are pressured to have things that conform to idea's of normal or acceptable such as relationships that flow, all the pieces fit automatically and is presented to the world in a certain way. This just won't work for me. I have to do things differently to be happy. I want freedom, flexibility and my own life separate from another and at the same time I desire connection, support and affection. The balance and combination of these things is where I have been struggling within myself and honestly I've been having a hard time accepting that this is what I want. I need to be allowed to genuinely be myself without feeling the need to hold back or filter and I have to offer the same level of acceptance.


I'd like to avoid having many transitional relationships especially ones that involve Hannah. I want real connection, support and love. I'm not willing to settle and accept anything less, it's not worth it. However, I also don't need to rush or push anything. It's just not necessary. I need to learn how to take a new approach to connection as I need separation at the same time.

With love ❤ D.