I don't believe in waiting

By C

I don't believe in waiting.  Waiting for tomorrow.  Waiting for security, love, people, confidence, happiness.  Waiting for an unknown future that promises nothing.

I have often waited out of fear.  I had no idea how to begin and was scared that if I started there was no turning back.  I craved safety and security.  I recoiled at the idea of trusting my heart over my head.

Now, I'm not speaking of patience here. Patience is the allowing that comes after intention and action have occurred.  Patience offers solace in the understanding that everything is ok; that possibility creates in a gentle way.

But waiting...waiting is a copout.  It's a 'maybe later' that easily slips into regret.  Waiting is a choice to listen to the fears and limitations we believe of ourselves.

What would happen if we stopped believing our fears and limitations?  What's the worst that we may experience if we took a step?  Maybe we'd have to face up to the fact that we were wrong.  Or worse, maybe we'd have to change.

Change can hurt.  And it often leaves us so uncomfortable that we struggle with finding a new normal.  But nothing is as uncomfortable as staying trapped in our illusions.  Keeping ourselves small serves no one.

What if simply chose to take one step?  A small one, a big one, any step. What if we listened to the small urges guiding us and took a break from listening to the arguments of our brain?  The brain is so good at organizing, criticizing and judging;  always living in the past or some imagined future.  The brain is the part of us that sucks at trusting and being.  How can we possibly grow and evolve if we are living in this space?  It only knows of yesterday and believes this is all we are capable of.

Our steps don't need to be huge.  They just need to be.  They can't wait for a readiness that will never come.  How could it?  We really only feel comfortable with something AFTER we've experienced it.

Don't know what to do?  Then it doesn't matter which direction the first step is in.  And what an incredible opportunity for exploration!  

What if our dreams are so big that we can't clearly see the best direction to take?  Ahhh, this is a good one.  Well, maybe we just need to start.  Small steps, honest conversations, listening, trust.

That's it.  Trust.  Breathe.  Trust some more.  Stop waiting.

In Darkness I See

 The dark moments and dark people make others light shine even brighter. I am grateful for the dark parts of life. I'm literally choking on my words as I write this because it so hard to hold this in focus when the dark parts are leaving marks on my heart. This happened today. It hurt. I cried. A lot. I was distracted from the present moments as they came and went. However, in between those moments there were lights shining bright. Supporting. Loving. Holding. Accepting. These lights shined so brightly all day. Warming my heart with each smile, giggle and hug. I have to say a huge thank you to the darkness as it serves as a constant reminder of what should be focused on - the shining lights. To the shining lights- I love you, you warm my heart and soul.

-D.

How I know

With you, I feel at peace.  That's how I know I love you.  My heart feels safe and within this safety there is freedom.

I also feel a bit nervous with you.  This is also how I know I love you.  You challenge me to remain aware and within this awareness there is freedom.

So basically, with you I feel free. And this is everything 

~ C

Nothing left to do but listen...

~ by C

She spent a good part of her life afraid of others.  She didn't understand them.  And moreso, didn't understand herself.  

The self-punishment, passive aggressive tendencies, and malicious ways that both seep and pour out of us at times frightened her.  They eluded to oncoming pain and deprivation.  

She didn't understand boundaries, or allowing without taking on.  And felt the connection and dependency of all so deeply that thinking on the pain of others meant that she also suffered.  Her introverted softness and desire for vulnerability meant she felt the need to protect from the darker, painful ways or risk hurt.

And then, one day, she woke up.  She let go.  Just like that.  Something in her pulled towards full allowance and transparency.  Acceptance of everything exactly as it is.  Without judgement, or fear.  Only a quiet curiosity and reverence at what is.

In this moment she came alive.  Without fear, she left constrictive situations and ignored the judgement of others.  She followed her heart, finally understanding the divine feminine that pulls us all toward creation and allowing.  And at the same time, felt more pain that she could have ever imagined possible.

The allowing meant that she no longer pushed away or retreated.  And because she'd spent a better portion of 20 years learning how to not feel, she had very few tools for dealing with emotions and a shit ton to learn.

That small voice within also urged the need to sit with her emotions.  To open to them and wait.  She had always believed her life to be a beautiful experiment, and so she listened; risking both emotional safety and the security of aloneness.

Some days, she spent countless hours parked outside the grocery store, or curled in a ball unable to leave bed in the morning.  She was gripped by overwhelming grief of unprocessed emotions.  Bits of past longed to be aired and accepted.  

Her learned ways of ignoring and denial no longer worked.  The only way past was through.  And the more she resisted the gripping pangs of emotion, the longer and more painful the episode became.  

Attempt at control meant more pain, and so she learned small ways of letting go.  Slow and steady breathing, sinking heavy into meditation, reading the inspiring works of others, pouring her heart into words of her own for release, and opening up to her closest friend were her lifelines. She became an observer of herself, often feeling the sensation of being outside normal reality looking down on the happenings of daily life.

The control she used to think was keeping her safe was actually keeping her from the joy she so desperately longed for and somehow knew was hers to rediscover.  Looking at the pain and difficulties of others was no longer debilitating, but rather inspiring as it filled her with compassion and appreciation.  A gentle understanding that struggle often opens to appreciation, and suffering to joy.

A deep seated trust sunk in.  The fears still surface but now they are easier to recognize and even easier to release.  The sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach is now an alert to pause and process rather than run and hide; an opportunity for growth and experience.

And out of this rediscovery of truth, she has found a peace that keeps her grounded.  A love for what is, exactly as it is.  And a quiet knowing that every moment is new opportunity.  What happens next?  Only her heart knows that, so now there's nothing left to do but listen.  

Secret Longings

I used to think that wanting was wrong.  That my desire for more or different was a denial of gratitude and appreciation for the many people, things, and opportunities that are currently in my life.  I felt guilt.  And shame.  And even disgust at my secret longings.

What is wrong with me?  Why can't I be happy with what I have?  These thoughts and feelings tormented me and caused a hardening, a suppressing and denial of desire, and panicked fear that my longings would somehow be found out.

It didn't help that many others hold this same belief.  Friends, family, partners, even strangers with an opinion, who fear the change that will upset the way things are and recoil at the idea of deserving more.  The world of rules and order and cultural habit longed to keep things simple, organized, and obedient.  Ruffling feathers meant resistance and forceful dissuasion.

But sometimes these longings have no choice but to be expressed.  Sometimes we feel that the skin of our current selves becomes so restrictive that we need to shed it in order to breathe again.  Our longings pull so hard that they crack us wide open and drag us straight past the fears and judging eyes.  

And it is here that we find peace.  In this space of self-acceptance we discover flow and possibility and expansiveness.  Sure there are still fears that surface, and nagging questions of worth.  Even now, as I write this, I feel small pangs of unworthiness; lingering feelings that my desires are nothing more than trivial fantasies.  

But our new selves know that we sure as hell don't want to go back to that place we outgrew.  And truthfully, we couldn't fit into that old skin even if we tried.  

And guess what happens next?  The world expands with us and conspires to satisfy our desires; to fulfill our sincere wish for more.  Really!  

Our personal preferences are the distilled expression of our unique and beautiful being.  They are reflections of our current state and opportunities for expansion.  Change, growth, and evolution are propelled forward by those of us with the courage to express the vulnerability of our longings.

Is it scary?  Fuck yes!  Well, sometimes it is.  But once you've had a taste of the knowing that you are a powerful creator in your life, and see the effects of how your deepest desires serve to enhance and inspire your life and the lives of those around you, you will never go back to the belief that you are unworthy of more.

For me, it has been a very long and twisted road of self-discovery and acceptance.  One that I know now doesn't end but rather opens to more and more possibility.  Fulfillment and happiness are continually expanding concepts.  Now as I reflect on my life, I have so much gratitude and love for the way it is and has been, paired with an excitement for all of the many things that are yet to come!

Those big explosive moments don't tend to happen as often anymore because I now recognize the value of fulfillment in all of the small pulls I feel on a day-to-day basis.  Rather than waiting for the overwhelming need to escape and be rid of, I've been trying to find daily ways to express my desires and gently exfoliate the skin of my past self so that I can grow into newness.

The more we pay attention to and follow our preferences, the more we recognize the small feelings of desire as guiding hands on our journey.  And so we find people and opportunities that allow for this expression.  Who long to hear about our desires and what makes us come alive.  

My sincerest wish is that we all follow these desires that are pulling us in the direction of growth and fulfillment.  That we open our hearts to each other and accept the unique expression that we each choose.  And that we take the desires that are burning within and let them out to be so much more that we could have ever imagined possible.

On The Idea That We Are All Creators of Our Reality...

If I create my reality inclusively this means I can be or do anything I want.... woah!

I just had the craziest idea (or maybe it's perfect!), only time will tell.

I am a queen. Elegant. Graceful. Generous. Kind. Loving. Strong. My presence commands respect and admiration. I lead with compassion and consideration, gracefully guiding with integrity. My kingdom knows and feels my love for them in every word, every action.

My offspring is watching, learning, developing into herself. She is much like I am. At a young age she is strong, powerful, confident, a leader. She will one day have a kingdom of her own to guide and she is building it now. Stone by stone. Brick by brick as I have done with mine.

My kingdom is not yet complete. I continue to construct it tirelessly for the duration of my life. For I am the queen, how could I ever stop. Stagnation will lead down a path contrary to all that I believe. So I will continue to contrive my kingdom, my palace, my sanctuary.

My domain welcomes all with open arms. Community is so very important. It is my role to nurture and protect them all. And so I keep a watchful eye on those nearby. I extend my love as I am of service to the community and all those who reside here. My kingdom needs love, as much love as possible.

Each day is an opportunity for me to be a better queen. I muster up all of the love inside myself. I dig up my strength. I stand strong and tall. I show my pride and confidence openly. I rise above yesterday. I smile. I offer love and support. I speak honestly and respectfully. I feel gratitude, so much gratitude. I speak with integrity and love. I move gracefully and effortlessly. I am a queen.

Perhaps we are all the queens and kings of our kingdoms. Maybe we lead a domain every day of our lives. 

I am the queen of my life. My kingdom is my world. Those who enter, pass through, or stay in my life are the residents. How I conduct myself each day directly reflects how I lead, both myself and others.

With all my love your Queen in service, 

Dawnalyn

Shifting Gears (from Overdrive to Observation)

After reading a most amazing book (The Mastery of Love- which I recommend everyone and their dog reads) yesterday I can feel myself shifting. I'm moving into an observatory mode. Watching. Listening. Stepping back from interactions, mostly emotionally but also mentally. I want to engage less and observe more.

I increasingly notice when / where people have resistance. We can rarely understand others enough to know exactly why the resistance is so strong around certain topics yet it is there. Pushing back, rejecting, dispelling. I will not continue to push, to attempt to justify or validate my opinion/ information. If someone doesn't want it or isn't ready they will not receive it at all. That is ok, perfect in fact. 

I see others gravitating towards certain people, topics, areas, etc. They are drawn here. Sometimes as a trigger response to a validation attempt or seeking attention. Other times it appears to simply be an organic draw to interactions that leave you feeling good. This too is ok, perfect again.

Others hang their heads in self punishment, embarrassment, or other parasitic emotions. Making themselves pay for their actions, words, or interactions. Pushing themselves down to the ground as they have with others. Condemning themselves for their wrong doings. This is ok, perfect in this moment.

We are all at such different places even though we walk side by side, work together, play the same games, and interact similarly on certain topics. You can not convince someone to hear, see or feel something they are not ready for. And likewise, when you are ready for information, transformation, change, whatever it seems to resonate so intensely as if you can feel it in your soul! This is all so perfect.

Every moment we are exactly where we should be. But why must we punish ourselves? Conditioning? Our parents did, so now we do? Lack of self-worth? Acceptance? Normality? 

If self punishment is where you are, that is fine. We all choose to treat ourselves how we feel we deserve to be treated. What if self punishment and suffering just wasn't necessary? What if we acknowledge our "wrong doings" or the wrongs of others for what it is and let it go. How hard is it to break the patterns of self sabotage, short changing yourself, or self punishment? 

Well, we learned it somewhere right?! So, can we then learn to be more forgiving and loving? I think so. But I think we need to get clear in ourselves exactly how we define forgiveness and love. 

My daughter defined love last night as: "being nice to each other and getting along". It's a pretty simple definition. Respect, she defined as: "being kind". If we used definitions as basic as these they might be quite simple to implement into our daily lives a little more.

With more love and forgiveness perhaps we would all project our emotional garbage onto others. Maybe we wouldn't condition our children to think that our uncontrolled anger as adults is their fault. Perhaps bringing awareness to our triggers, anger, pain, sadness, or emotional outbursts will encourage us to choose our words more wisely and more kindly. Not just towards our children, but also towards our friends, college,  spouses and strangers.

Do those around us need to be punished because of the sadness, fear, pain, or anger we are feeling inside ourselves? No, they certainly don't!! These are all of our own emotions to acknowledge, face and deal with. Our triggers are ours, they are not someone else's fault. When an emotion is triggered in us it is entirely ours to own and manage. There may have been something outside ourselves that caused this emotion to arise in us... but it has arisen within you. Making it yours to own. Projecting this onto those around you is simply deflecting ownership and avoiding growth.

I wonder if we learn to own each of these things as they come up how things might change. If I recognize my triggers as mine (almost as if I triggered myself, removing the external component) how would I manage it differently? The pleasurable things that come into my life and cross my path, are they too reflections of my internal relationship? Is our relationship with the world around us a direct reflection of our relationship with ourselves? 

Are you / I constantly faced with people / situations that challenge our insecurities? Are you / I faced with people / situations that bring in love and highlight the amazing area's of life?

Maybe, just maybe if we own every detail of our lives, emotions, interactions, expressions, and ourselves as we are in this moment we will experience less suffering. 

As for me, I think I'll sit back and continue to take in the worlds around me, fill my heart and interactions with love and acceptance and see what happens... 

With all my love and gratitude,
D.