The Glimmer in Her Eyes

As I sit back and watch you and the others I am reminded once again of how grateful I am. Grateful for all of the challenges you represent and create in my life. You give me so many opportunities to act with the utmost integrity, self respect, and strength.

I have to confess that I have very few moments in my life (so far) that I would call "mom moments". For some reason I don't get this overwhelming sense of passion that drives me to be a great mom that, in my perception, other moms get regularly. I carry guilt about this lack of "mom passion" that seems to come so naturally to others. It gets particularly heavy when I feel the weight of being on my own. I had a break through recently. I felt it, that passion that arises. Kicks your parenting into overdrive and makes you want to be the best role model you could possibly be for your little person. This is partially due to you...

So I have to say Thank you. Thank you for showing me how NOT to treat others. Thank you for the opportunities to express my strength. Thank you for granting me moments to show my daughter what it looks and feels like to be a strong woman in the face of ignorance. Thank you for helping me teach her how to move gracefully through bullshit. You rock! Without you in my life these opportunities wouldn't be quite so abundant.

As I continue to watch you and others with gratitude in my heart and mind I see even more opportunity for me and her. I see how insanely proud I am to have a strong, courageous little person. In many ways she is a replica of me. I'm astounded to see the accomplished little lady she is at just 6 years old. I'm impressed and inspired to keep pushing forward. Stand strong, standing down only when it's in her or my best interest. Charging through life with her by my side. She is so tremendous already at such a young age. This girl is going to be unstoppable.

My motivation has been completely renewed and recharged. I have seen the strength a 6 year old can posses and show. I have seen clearly my own strength being displayed. I will never sell myself short again, ever. I'm ready. My heart is full. My soul is prepared. My mind is clear. Bring it Universe!

Try It

With love from C to you

What if you decided to try?

What if the decision to be all in is enough?

Maybe we are just always holding ourselves back for fear of failure or not being good enough

What a fucking waste of time!

If you're going to do it, do it

You don't show up on stage with half effort and expect an encore

Have the courage to be scared and keep going

Because your heart knows

Stop and listen

Love with everything you have

Find the magic

It's there

Don't believe the ones who deny it

They lie because they're scared

They're scared of pain

And of loss

But you don't have to be

You can be the one whose courage awakens others

You can live in the most beautiful happiness

We all deserve it

So why not you?

Do it

Now

So Fucking Grateful

From C

I am so fucking grateful

For every breath, every movement  

A blessing

Pure joy, infinite possibility

My health, my strength

The energy that surges through me and forms passion in all that I do

Also the weak moments

The fears, the confusion

Even the pain of loneliness

Because they are truth

And my purpose is to learn truth

Not the convenient truth

The surface mask of reality

Painted on like the face of an aging beauty queen

But rather the truth of imperfection

The magic that pushes it's way

into the tiniest of moments

A bright morning after a dark night of wretchedness

A slow smile that curls the lips and warms the soul

And...

So am I

A moment in time

The space in between that expands when you pause

That's what I crave

That's what I seek when all becomes confused

The gentle rustle of leaves

Wind making its way through as they bend to allow

The sound and feeling of movement

Of allowing

As are the leaves, so am I

Strong Enough to Try?

C

She fears that you only want her because she reminds you of something you've forgotten.  And then when you remember, will you move on?  You smile when she laughs, and hold her when you feel lonely.  But do you ask what she needs; what her heart longs for?

Will you be strong enough to try?  Will you risk your heart knowing that she won't give you the world but rather, share it with you?  

Because this is what she offers.  It's real, and messy, and beautiful.  Not the fantasy that you likely pictured when you first met her.  Or the image that you often see projected into the world.  But the vulnerable, soft and hard, brave and fearful woman who craves exploration of the depths.

She's waiting for you.  But she can't wait much longer.  Her heart craves connection.  And if you choose not to give it, then she will find someone who will.

When there are no words I write

From D

I have never wanted to commit my life to someone before, you were the first. It saddens me to think that I let that slip through my fingers or rather I probably pushed it away. In the moments that I wanted nothing more than for you to love me I pushed you away the hardest when I really just wanted to pull you in. I was guarding without even realizing it. I was holding back from showing you the full me for fear of rejection. I wanted your love but I was so afraid at the same time. Afraid of many things. As I know you were as well. 

You were one of the few people I believed when you told me I looked beautiful. I trusted you fully. Now I can't stop myself from shutting down in your presence. I like to see the real you, the unfiltered, honest version of yourself that you only show a few. That man is amazing. I love him. And even more than that I miss him. I miss the real moments, conversations and touch. 

I think I made you feel insufficient in some ways. I don't know how to avoid doing this and that's why I always told you how wonderful you are. Both of these caused issues that I wasn't able to overcome quickly enough to matter. You are enough. So much more than enough. In no way was I idealizing you, I was attempting to express appreciation for the strengths you have. They are so commendable, stable, and admirable. You are a man others aspire to be and you don't even realize it. You deserve to be appreciated and loved for all these great qualities.

It makes me ill to think of you with another. I can't stomach the thought of being with anyone else either. But, there is nothing I can do at the moment. I can't tell you I miss you. I can't joke around lightly as if nothing has happened. All I can do is let it be. Doing nothing. Watching in stillness as we try to navigate forwards.

I want to distance myself and engage with you all at once. It's quite confusing really. I don't want to see you everyday yet feel it would be unbearable too. So, I take no action. I shut down and close off. Attempt to maintain composure and fight the inclination to express anything real to you at all. I know it won't help and in fact will likely make you pull away. I'm lost for words, I'm lost for actions. So I freeze, try to force a smile when I can and with love in my heart I continue to push ahead.