When there are no words I write

From D

I have never wanted to commit my life to someone before, you were the first. It saddens me to think that I let that slip through my fingers or rather I probably pushed it away. In the moments that I wanted nothing more than for you to love me I pushed you away the hardest when I really just wanted to pull you in. I was guarding without even realizing it. I was holding back from showing you the full me for fear of rejection. I wanted your love but I was so afraid at the same time. Afraid of many things. As I know you were as well. 

You were one of the few people I believed when you told me I looked beautiful. I trusted you fully. Now I can't stop myself from shutting down in your presence. I like to see the real you, the unfiltered, honest version of yourself that you only show a few. That man is amazing. I love him. And even more than that I miss him. I miss the real moments, conversations and touch. 

I think I made you feel insufficient in some ways. I don't know how to avoid doing this and that's why I always told you how wonderful you are. Both of these caused issues that I wasn't able to overcome quickly enough to matter. You are enough. So much more than enough. In no way was I idealizing you, I was attempting to express appreciation for the strengths you have. They are so commendable, stable, and admirable. You are a man others aspire to be and you don't even realize it. You deserve to be appreciated and loved for all these great qualities.

It makes me ill to think of you with another. I can't stomach the thought of being with anyone else either. But, there is nothing I can do at the moment. I can't tell you I miss you. I can't joke around lightly as if nothing has happened. All I can do is let it be. Doing nothing. Watching in stillness as we try to navigate forwards.

I want to distance myself and engage with you all at once. It's quite confusing really. I don't want to see you everyday yet feel it would be unbearable too. So, I take no action. I shut down and close off. Attempt to maintain composure and fight the inclination to express anything real to you at all. I know it won't help and in fact will likely make you pull away. I'm lost for words, I'm lost for actions. So I freeze, try to force a smile when I can and with love in my heart I continue to push ahead.