If I were watching someone else I would say be gentle, go slow. It's ok to crack open and hurt from the inside. Sometimes we have to crack open as part of a transitions. It may hurt but that doesn't make it bad, merely uncomfortable.
Sitting still, trying to hold myself. I'm lonely and yet isolating myself probably on an intentional subconscious level. Why? I'm scared and overwhelmed and just feeling so weak.
I feel small and so tender. Like a delicate flower being thrashed by the wind yet there is only a gentle breeze nudging my soft petals. Every gust feels so aggressive and damaging. Hold still, hang on, survive.
Why the fuck is this such a struggle? Why can I muster up the strength of that warrior inside me. Because she is me and I am her. Together we stand (or lay) through it all.
I have never felt so solitary. Like the one daisy in a meadow. Exposed, unprotected, vulnerable and fragile. Somehow it still exists.
Even this writing feels disjointed and choppy. Lacking fluidity, power and grace of the beautiful warrior from the past.
My stomach flips again. I'm told I should eat, I can't. I'm told I should move my body, I'm stuck. You need rest, so I take the medicine. It feels like I'm being selfish so I try to distance myself to avoid impacting those around me. However, every interaction leaves it's mark.
Formulate a plan, that has to be the solution right. I don't know. I don't know how to make a plan for this. What steps to take. Who do I talk to or not. When is good. The plan doesn't make enough sense and I'm too exhausted to continue thinking.
I have no idea what is next or what I should do so I sit.
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