I'm not the type to ask (Caroline to Dawn)

I'm writing this to you because I needed you last night.  Like REALLY needed you.  I asked, but not clearly.  And when you said yes, I felt relief.  And then when you were no longer available, instead of telling you, I did what I often do - ignored the situation.  Tried to push it away.  And I got really upset.  Because I didn't know how else to ask and it made me feel completely alone.  And frustrated with my giving.  Which are feelings I am tired of experiencing.  So, I wrote this.

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I'm not the type to ask.  Like really ask.  For anything.  I'll say it once.  Indicating a desire or request.  But when you push back slightly or I sense resistance at all, I'm outta there.

Now, I don't know if this is a defence mechanism or a respect for you.  Or perhaps a bit of both?  Or...maybe I just don't know how to be clear in communicating what I want or need.  

My close friends typically know that if I ask, even just gently or quietly, that it is important.  Because I tend not to.  And because my respect for you means that I reach out with request only when I truly need it.

Well fuck.  All of this is just kinda bullshit isn't it??  I feel like it's completely missing the point.  Just distracting from the real issue.  Which  is that our reliance on each other is frightening.  We manifest as separate beings, but really and truly are all so incredibly connected.

And I understand this deeply as a giver; as someone who gives unconditionally whenever possible. But to be connected, truly part of the whole, we must also learn how to receive.  To ask for what we want and need.

It's truly about surrender.  The complete unmasking and bravery to be vulnerable.  And in the vulnerability, to discover strength and joy.  To allow yourself a complete falling apart.  To surrender to the goodwill of others and welcome their giving as beautiful acceptance.  To see and embrace the highest beauty in every moment, situation, and experience.

So perhaps it's not ok to whisper quietly my needs and desires.  Maybe that's actually a disrespecting of the higher order of connectedness.  And in avoiding or denying the receiving half of giving, I am depriving others of the gift of connecting.  Of becoming part of the whole.  And also denying myself the full expression of life and love.