More up top? Lol

If I wanted to be more attractive I'd get fake boobs.  But here's the thing - I just couldn't do that.  Or let alone anything else to my body for the sole purpose of appearing more attractive.

Why?  Well it's only partly because I wouldn't want to.  I mean, I can be just as susceptible as the next person to the need for approval from others.  But here's the big thing - I could NEVER do that to my daughter.

I'm always telling her that she's perfect exactly the way she is.  And really, she's pretty darned amazing.  A little fireball who says exactly what she's thinking, has an awesome sense of humor and loves like she'll never be hurt.

So what would it do to her if I showed her I felt not good enough the way I am?  Well I know what I'd think.  Basically that all those supportive and uplifting words were lies, a bit of make believe.

Perhaps the effects on her wouldn't be so obvious now, but as she grows and begins to experience the twisted beliefs and insecurities of others, she will likely come to rest on the idea that she also isn't good enough. And how could she believe anything else?  Everywhere she turns, she'll see people wearing a mask; putting up a front in order to feel love and acceptance.

And can you imagine the sinking feeling she'll get when she realises her mama is just like the rest of them?  The one person who is supposed to be a lighthouse guiding the way turns out to be just another insecure hypocrite offering empty words of praise tainted by self-doubt and fear.

So, though it may be fun to have a bit more up top, I just couldn't do it.  And you know what?  That's ok.  I secretly, or not so secretly, love my small boobs.  Because they're mine.

C

Freight Train

It's happening. She can feel it as it does. There is nothing she can do but sit and wait for it. 

Emotions are flooding in adding confusion to each moment. Clarity is slipping away and feelings of frustration are creeping in. She can stop this right, rationalize her way out of emotional confusion and fatigue! Not a chance in hell can she escape this. It's coming and as it gets closer it's picking up speed.

Like a freight Train stopping anywhere it can to add weight; baggage and momentum grow and grow. Full of heavy emotional cargo it comes for her. She sits frozen on the tracks struggling to cope. She'll think her way off the tracks, move and adjust herself with her mind. She remains frozen. Not one muscle moves. 

She can hear it now. Feel the vibrations on the ground as it nears her. The wind is picking up; the gusts sweep her hair across her face. She bows her head so the hair doesn't get caught up in the tears streaming down her face. They are flowing freely now.

She is suddenly aware of the scent of wildflowers is on the breeze but it is tainted by the smell of grease. Grease? 

She looks up just in time to catch the eyes of the conductor. They are so familiar. They look like home; but it's no use to attempt to run. The train is too near and she is still frozen; locked in battle with her mind. She can't look away from those eyes until it's too late...

She blinks, she's in one piece. But how? Slowly opening her eyes; it feels like they've been closed for days and the world is so bright. The sun is shining on her face and the wildflowers are in full bloom. Where is she? 

Surrounded by metal and the sound of screeching metal she is disoriented. Confused but the sun still warms her face with a comfort she has always known. 

She catches movement out of the corner of her eye. She looks up abruptly trying to see what it was. It's a window,  and the scenery is rapidly passing by. Confusing is escalating. 

Glancing around once again, this time more slowly. Taking in her surroundings in detail. The sounds of metal and gears, the scent of grease, the heat of machinery, the mental fatigue that remains from the battle she just fought with herself. Blinking hard and clenching her hands around cold metal. 

A deep breathe brings back those eyes... with a wave of anxiety the memories rush in. Those eyes are so familiar because they are her own. She drives the train. She collected freight at every stop then sat on the tracks waiting for the collision. 

Swallowing the lump in her throat she begins to settle. Clarity rushes in like ocean waves. Love is returning to her heart in warm rays. She is growing calm once again. Reset and ready to open her heart with renewed commitment to herself. She is new, vulnerable, strong and full of love.