What is wrong with me? Why can't I be happy with what I have? These thoughts and feelings tormented me and caused a hardening, a suppressing and denial of desire, and panicked fear that my longings would somehow be found out.
It didn't help that many others hold this same belief. Friends, family, partners, even strangers with an opinion, who fear the change that will upset the way things are and recoil at the idea of deserving more. The world of rules and order and cultural habit longed to keep things simple, organized, and obedient. Ruffling feathers meant resistance and forceful dissuasion.
But sometimes these longings have no choice but to be expressed. Sometimes we feel that the skin of our current selves becomes so restrictive that we need to shed it in order to breathe again. Our longings pull so hard that they crack us wide open and drag us straight past the fears and judging eyes.
And it is here that we find peace. In this space of self-acceptance we discover flow and possibility and expansiveness. Sure there are still fears that surface, and nagging questions of worth. Even now, as I write this, I feel small pangs of unworthiness; lingering feelings that my desires are nothing more than trivial fantasies.
But our new selves know that we sure as hell don't want to go back to that place we outgrew. And truthfully, we couldn't fit into that old skin even if we tried.
And guess what happens next? The world expands with us and conspires to satisfy our desires; to fulfill our sincere wish for more. Really!
Our personal preferences are the distilled expression of our unique and beautiful being. They are reflections of our current state and opportunities for expansion. Change, growth, and evolution are propelled forward by those of us with the courage to express the vulnerability of our longings.
Is it scary? Fuck yes! Well, sometimes it is. But once you've had a taste of the knowing that you are a powerful creator in your life, and see the effects of how your deepest desires serve to enhance and inspire your life and the lives of those around you, you will never go back to the belief that you are unworthy of more.
For me, it has been a very long and twisted road of self-discovery and acceptance. One that I know now doesn't end but rather opens to more and more possibility. Fulfillment and happiness are continually expanding concepts. Now as I reflect on my life, I have so much gratitude and love for the way it is and has been, paired with an excitement for all of the many things that are yet to come!
Those big explosive moments don't tend to happen as often anymore because I now recognize the value of fulfillment in all of the small pulls I feel on a day-to-day basis. Rather than waiting for the overwhelming need to escape and be rid of, I've been trying to find daily ways to express my desires and gently exfoliate the skin of my past self so that I can grow into newness.
The more we pay attention to and follow our preferences, the more we recognize the small feelings of desire as guiding hands on our journey. And so we find people and opportunities that allow for this expression. Who long to hear about our desires and what makes us come alive.
My sincerest wish is that we all follow these desires that are pulling us in the direction of growth and fulfillment. That we open our hearts to each other and accept the unique expression that we each choose. And that we take the desires that are burning within and let them out to be so much more that we could have ever imagined possible.
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