Nothing left to do but listen...

~ by C

She spent a good part of her life afraid of others.  She didn't understand them.  And moreso, didn't understand herself.  

The self-punishment, passive aggressive tendencies, and malicious ways that both seep and pour out of us at times frightened her.  They eluded to oncoming pain and deprivation.  

She didn't understand boundaries, or allowing without taking on.  And felt the connection and dependency of all so deeply that thinking on the pain of others meant that she also suffered.  Her introverted softness and desire for vulnerability meant she felt the need to protect from the darker, painful ways or risk hurt.

And then, one day, she woke up.  She let go.  Just like that.  Something in her pulled towards full allowance and transparency.  Acceptance of everything exactly as it is.  Without judgement, or fear.  Only a quiet curiosity and reverence at what is.

In this moment she came alive.  Without fear, she left constrictive situations and ignored the judgement of others.  She followed her heart, finally understanding the divine feminine that pulls us all toward creation and allowing.  And at the same time, felt more pain that she could have ever imagined possible.

The allowing meant that she no longer pushed away or retreated.  And because she'd spent a better portion of 20 years learning how to not feel, she had very few tools for dealing with emotions and a shit ton to learn.

That small voice within also urged the need to sit with her emotions.  To open to them and wait.  She had always believed her life to be a beautiful experiment, and so she listened; risking both emotional safety and the security of aloneness.

Some days, she spent countless hours parked outside the grocery store, or curled in a ball unable to leave bed in the morning.  She was gripped by overwhelming grief of unprocessed emotions.  Bits of past longed to be aired and accepted.  

Her learned ways of ignoring and denial no longer worked.  The only way past was through.  And the more she resisted the gripping pangs of emotion, the longer and more painful the episode became.  

Attempt at control meant more pain, and so she learned small ways of letting go.  Slow and steady breathing, sinking heavy into meditation, reading the inspiring works of others, pouring her heart into words of her own for release, and opening up to her closest friend were her lifelines. She became an observer of herself, often feeling the sensation of being outside normal reality looking down on the happenings of daily life.

The control she used to think was keeping her safe was actually keeping her from the joy she so desperately longed for and somehow knew was hers to rediscover.  Looking at the pain and difficulties of others was no longer debilitating, but rather inspiring as it filled her with compassion and appreciation.  A gentle understanding that struggle often opens to appreciation, and suffering to joy.

A deep seated trust sunk in.  The fears still surface but now they are easier to recognize and even easier to release.  The sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach is now an alert to pause and process rather than run and hide; an opportunity for growth and experience.

And out of this rediscovery of truth, she has found a peace that keeps her grounded.  A love for what is, exactly as it is.  And a quiet knowing that every moment is new opportunity.  What happens next?  Only her heart knows that, so now there's nothing left to do but listen.