I don't believe in waiting

By C

I don't believe in waiting.  Waiting for tomorrow.  Waiting for security, love, people, confidence, happiness.  Waiting for an unknown future that promises nothing.

I have often waited out of fear.  I had no idea how to begin and was scared that if I started there was no turning back.  I craved safety and security.  I recoiled at the idea of trusting my heart over my head.

Now, I'm not speaking of patience here. Patience is the allowing that comes after intention and action have occurred.  Patience offers solace in the understanding that everything is ok; that possibility creates in a gentle way.

But waiting...waiting is a copout.  It's a 'maybe later' that easily slips into regret.  Waiting is a choice to listen to the fears and limitations we believe of ourselves.

What would happen if we stopped believing our fears and limitations?  What's the worst that we may experience if we took a step?  Maybe we'd have to face up to the fact that we were wrong.  Or worse, maybe we'd have to change.

Change can hurt.  And it often leaves us so uncomfortable that we struggle with finding a new normal.  But nothing is as uncomfortable as staying trapped in our illusions.  Keeping ourselves small serves no one.

What if simply chose to take one step?  A small one, a big one, any step. What if we listened to the small urges guiding us and took a break from listening to the arguments of our brain?  The brain is so good at organizing, criticizing and judging;  always living in the past or some imagined future.  The brain is the part of us that sucks at trusting and being.  How can we possibly grow and evolve if we are living in this space?  It only knows of yesterday and believes this is all we are capable of.

Our steps don't need to be huge.  They just need to be.  They can't wait for a readiness that will never come.  How could it?  We really only feel comfortable with something AFTER we've experienced it.

Don't know what to do?  Then it doesn't matter which direction the first step is in.  And what an incredible opportunity for exploration!  

What if our dreams are so big that we can't clearly see the best direction to take?  Ahhh, this is a good one.  Well, maybe we just need to start.  Small steps, honest conversations, listening, trust.

That's it.  Trust.  Breathe.  Trust some more.  Stop waiting.

In Darkness I See

 The dark moments and dark people make others light shine even brighter. I am grateful for the dark parts of life. I'm literally choking on my words as I write this because it so hard to hold this in focus when the dark parts are leaving marks on my heart. This happened today. It hurt. I cried. A lot. I was distracted from the present moments as they came and went. However, in between those moments there were lights shining bright. Supporting. Loving. Holding. Accepting. These lights shined so brightly all day. Warming my heart with each smile, giggle and hug. I have to say a huge thank you to the darkness as it serves as a constant reminder of what should be focused on - the shining lights. To the shining lights- I love you, you warm my heart and soul.

-D.

How I know

With you, I feel at peace.  That's how I know I love you.  My heart feels safe and within this safety there is freedom.

I also feel a bit nervous with you.  This is also how I know I love you.  You challenge me to remain aware and within this awareness there is freedom.

So basically, with you I feel free. And this is everything 

~ C

Nothing left to do but listen...

~ by C

She spent a good part of her life afraid of others.  She didn't understand them.  And moreso, didn't understand herself.  

The self-punishment, passive aggressive tendencies, and malicious ways that both seep and pour out of us at times frightened her.  They eluded to oncoming pain and deprivation.  

She didn't understand boundaries, or allowing without taking on.  And felt the connection and dependency of all so deeply that thinking on the pain of others meant that she also suffered.  Her introverted softness and desire for vulnerability meant she felt the need to protect from the darker, painful ways or risk hurt.

And then, one day, she woke up.  She let go.  Just like that.  Something in her pulled towards full allowance and transparency.  Acceptance of everything exactly as it is.  Without judgement, or fear.  Only a quiet curiosity and reverence at what is.

In this moment she came alive.  Without fear, she left constrictive situations and ignored the judgement of others.  She followed her heart, finally understanding the divine feminine that pulls us all toward creation and allowing.  And at the same time, felt more pain that she could have ever imagined possible.

The allowing meant that she no longer pushed away or retreated.  And because she'd spent a better portion of 20 years learning how to not feel, she had very few tools for dealing with emotions and a shit ton to learn.

That small voice within also urged the need to sit with her emotions.  To open to them and wait.  She had always believed her life to be a beautiful experiment, and so she listened; risking both emotional safety and the security of aloneness.

Some days, she spent countless hours parked outside the grocery store, or curled in a ball unable to leave bed in the morning.  She was gripped by overwhelming grief of unprocessed emotions.  Bits of past longed to be aired and accepted.  

Her learned ways of ignoring and denial no longer worked.  The only way past was through.  And the more she resisted the gripping pangs of emotion, the longer and more painful the episode became.  

Attempt at control meant more pain, and so she learned small ways of letting go.  Slow and steady breathing, sinking heavy into meditation, reading the inspiring works of others, pouring her heart into words of her own for release, and opening up to her closest friend were her lifelines. She became an observer of herself, often feeling the sensation of being outside normal reality looking down on the happenings of daily life.

The control she used to think was keeping her safe was actually keeping her from the joy she so desperately longed for and somehow knew was hers to rediscover.  Looking at the pain and difficulties of others was no longer debilitating, but rather inspiring as it filled her with compassion and appreciation.  A gentle understanding that struggle often opens to appreciation, and suffering to joy.

A deep seated trust sunk in.  The fears still surface but now they are easier to recognize and even easier to release.  The sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach is now an alert to pause and process rather than run and hide; an opportunity for growth and experience.

And out of this rediscovery of truth, she has found a peace that keeps her grounded.  A love for what is, exactly as it is.  And a quiet knowing that every moment is new opportunity.  What happens next?  Only her heart knows that, so now there's nothing left to do but listen.