Exploring Partnerships - Holy Response Batman (Caroline to Dawn)

Well, this is all super interesting and confusing stuff :). But also the simplest things in the world to do.  Because we are naturally drawn to each other.  To create in Union.  Union of people, with our environment, and Union of self.  

So even when we feel we are totally alone, I call bullshit.  No such thing.  We are intimately connected with those around us, our environment and that space of unity within.  We interact through relationships.  We express and it is received by another. 

Further to expression, we experience the world as reflection.  As a watching of how the other responds to me, how I respond to me, how the natural world bends as we push and breaks as we beat.  I believe this watching goes down to the soul level.  The understanding that we are not the goings on of our body and mind, but rather the watcher who takes in the goings on.  The prime mover.  The energy that instigates movement, thought, feeling.  

And this is where the understanding of meditation is helpful.  Meditation is the opening; the allowance of silence.  Within that space of silence there is infinite possibility and dynamism.  And this is where a spark occurs.  Where creation and relationship are formed.

Now I realise that I've veered away slightly from the discussion on relationship and creating together, but it was with reason.  Because I understand relationship with another, the mutual soul creation, as coming from this same space of silence and possibility.  

So, in my opinion you are completely right.  It is not possible to create soulful, deep, loving connection alone.  Because I feel this creation is what we naturally are.  We have no choice.  

But the thing that gets me, the confusion, is that one can choose to either accept or ignore the deeper callings; the creations and desire to play and be with another.  So in this way I very much agree with you.  There takes a vulnerability, an openness and willingness to actively engage.  And so often to unlearn patterns and habits.

But that's the coolest thing about relationship.  Because of the mirror quality, it is through relationship that those bits of us that could use a little work are revealed.

Ok 1 more thing here.  Slightly off topic but so very relevant.  I think the real need in a romantic relationship, in a partnership, is acceptance.  And with this, the holding up of another; being a champion of your partner rather than a critic.  Because really, we don't need another critic.  The reflection we perceive and feel in another, in the world around us and within us is enough of a critic.  What we truly need in a sustainable, deep and loving partnership is support.

So, 100% YES!!!  I agree with you in that the only way for 2 people to experience deep, soulful connection and creation is through vulnerability and fearlessness.  A willingness to ignore the trappings of the mind, the fear of judgement, and choose openness.  Because what else can you do but try??  I know for me, I have no desire to look back on any day, any moment of my life, and wonder if I chose fear.  Fuck fear in the ear!!!!!!!!!

Exploring Partnerships (Dawn to Caroline)

Care, we talk so much about partnerships. What we want. What we need and why.

Lately, we have come to the topic of creating alone vs creating with others and how this is so powerful. I want to explore this idea further, I want to hear your thoughts and ideas.

The idea that we ever really create alone is sort of insane and a bit self absorbed in a way. We are rarely alone in our creations regardless of what they are, when they happen or who is around. The people around us always have influence in some way on our thoughts, idea's and creations. And are often a part of them.

I believe this is also so very true in partnerships. One person can not create a soulful, deep, loving connection on their own. Both need to be actively engaged, opening, sharing, communicating and being vulnerable in the most intimidating and genuine ways. We both have our own challenges with these things on different levels but know what we must do...right?!

On one side of it, we need to start first with loving and accepting ourselves as completely as we can. On the other side, we need to be creating an emotionally safe environment for our partner to be able to do the same. Simultaneously. The only choices we have are to trust, be vulnerable, face fears, and open ourselves. Thoughts?

It's a couple topics rolled into one here but you get where I'm going.

xo
With Love,
D.

Embracing The Feminine (whatever the hell that means)

My ultimate desire is to be the feminine energy. The feeler. The mover. Like the breeze which enables an eagles flight or the stream that allows a fish to travel miles. Without the wind there is no flight and without water how would the fish swim?

In theory this sounds so wonderful. Elegantly moving with fluidity and grace. The only problem is that I really don't know how the hell to do it!  Without taking action I feel stagnant. Without purpose,  useless. How can one just sit back and "allow"? It's confusing as hell.

To make matters more complicated I have these feeling things that muddle up my business. Confusing the hell out of things along with hormones that turn me into a fucking crazy person on a regular base. Tack this on top of life and you have a recipe for disaster or so it feels.

On the other hand, there is a masculine energy for a reason. Perhaps I CAN feel, move, allow and observe while my well balanced counterpart takes the lead. Guiding things with his robust strength and confidence. Quietly directing with my trust in him as reassurance.

Ok, so how the hell do I do this? How do I get out of my own way, out of my head and create space for new patterns, interactions and a new path? The answer is simple, is it not... stop! Just stop doing. Breath, feel, move, express and allow instead. (Because that's all super easy, right!?)

I want to be your love and you to be mine. Your patience is all I can ask for.


Oct 17 addition

I am coming to realize there is a great need for release. I must let go of attachment to my old roles that no longer serve me. Allow them to dissipate and create space for moving forward. Give myself permission to be free from the binding expectations that have hurt me for so long and that I don't want to bear any longer.

It is amazing how tough letting go can be, even when it is letting go of things that hurt you. The unknown future is scary. But we must remember the beauty and freedom that comes along with change. How can things ever turn out different if we never change what we do.

I am committing to myself right now to chose to be different. I am letting go of past expectations and pressures. I am free to be a new and better version on me. As of today, right now, I am letting go. Allowing. Trusting. Loving. Prioritizing me.

Fuck You Anyways

Take from me what you want

Because that's all I can give you

I don't choose this, it's you

It's always been you

You see what you want to see

And that's okay

Just don't make it into something it's not

With your hopeful illusions

Your ideas of what I should be

What we should be

And really, from my heart to yours, fuck you anyways

In the nicest way I know

By not pretending

Or playing small when you don't like what's reflected

See ya

Off to be someone else's mirror for a while

Fighting For Myself: A Reflection of the Last Year

As I look back over the past year I am astounded. A year ago I had so little love for myself that I didn't even realize self-love existed within me. I had lost myself due to choices that dishonored me. I was scared, felt alone and judged. With nowhere to turn but inwards, that is where I went.

I began using “silly” tools that I thought were so corny that no one on earth (except the most desperate of pathetic souls) could actually use such as positive self-talk, smiling at myself in the mirror, listening to my once very strong intuition and instincts aka my heart and soul. 

As it turns out, my heart loves to be heard, actually listened to and honored.

As I began to strengthen these area’s I noticed other positive changes occurring…. I was able to speak from a place of love instead of fear or anger and clearly express myself to those around me. I was beginning to be able to make tough decision based on self-love and honor instead of avoiding them due to the “world of judgement” I was to face if I were to dare make drastic changes in my life.

I began filling my love tank all on my own. Surrounding myself with people who love and respect themselves therefore treating those around them with kindness. Listening to myself, respecting my body and my heart, caring for my physical body more and hearing it before it began to scream at me out of neglect, accepting myself as I am while working on the area’s I felt needed some attention.

Being more gentle on myself in times of error or perceived weakness was one of the most important things I am learning to do- which by the way is not weak at all!!! Vulnerability is one of the most empowering characteristics one can possess. As counter intuitive as it sounds it is the truth… try it, you’ll see. Perhaps start small and work your way up to the bigger stuff. Expose a softer, gentler side of yourself. Maybe expressing a fear/ insecurity to someone safe and loving. When you begin honoring this tender side of yourself strength and awareness of your emotional capacity grows exponentially in ways I thought unimaginable… at least mine did and I am so grateful that I continue to work on it regularly.

On that note, I hear it said that you can only go into your next relationship as healthy as you came out of your last. I don’t entirely agree. I do think that you will have emotional baggage. Some is clear right off the bat and some you won’t realize until further down the road as things come up. I also believe that if you take some time to develop parts of yourself that you previously struggled with, didn't like, or wanted to strengthen or change in some way that you are not in the same place emotionally as when your last relationship ended.

Moving on from relationship stuff to other important pieces of life…. As I brought more awareness to how I was conducting my life and the decisions I was making (and why). I noticed patterns in my viewpoint. I didn't realize how negative I had become, when it happened or why. So, I dove into that.

Turns out I was fucking miserable with my life. Felt limited by various aspects of life and I hated it. My relationship was painful, hurtful and going down a slippery slope. As were my finances and parenting. I could feel my friendships becoming strained as I had felt in the past. This made me uncomfortable, I didn't want to sacrifice the positive things in my life for the negative ones any longer. It was time for a change.

Attitude first- positive thinking, positive self-talk, loving myself more, nurturing relationships that were special to me, not giving energy to those things that deplete me, being with my daughter… not just in body but really there! I began making choices for myself… just for me. These choices were souring other areas of my life even more than what they were. This made it very clear that I had more really big decisions to make… really big!!!

I ended my 8 year relationship. Spent more time with my friends and family. Gave my portion of our jointly owned property to my ex. Sold our vehicle and moved to a new house. Split most of our possessions and bought myself a vehicle. And, turned 30- holy shit… I’m 30!

As much as these choices were so amazing for me they were also extremely weighted with consequence. What the hell is going on? I’m supposed to have my shit together at 30. I’m so fucked! My daughter began Kindergarten as a child from a “broken” home- it literally felt like my heart was torn to pieces. I was now a 30 year old single mother working part time (school hours) as an Administrative Assistant. Single income.

What the hell do I do now?? After the momentary panic subsided I decided what else could I do but go live my fucking life. I am only 30! I am blessed to have an amazing daughter so full of love and kindness, a truly gentle soul. I have family that surround me with endless love and support. My friends come miles and miles to spend time with me just because it might be fun. I’ve had adventures, faced fears, had my heart bruised, faced rejection, embraced my vulnerability, tapped into my “feminine” energy, released fears, faced insecurities, focused on being a better friend, mother and generally a better version on myself.

Holy crap… life fucking rocks! 

Every day is so damn amazing. Even the shit days are there for a reason and are so beautiful in and of themselves. I have a lifetime of self-development ahead of me still but as I look back over just one year of my life I am in awe of what one is capable of achieving. It may not seem monumental to anyone else but if you feel like it’s worthwhile to your health be it mentally, physically or otherwise keep going. Let negative, suppressing energy go free from your life and embrace all of the wonderful energies that are attempting to enter. Create space for new and exciting things if what currently resides there is no longer working for you. There is nothing wrong with making positive changes for yourself even when others don’t agree. Even big, heavy life altering changes!

I am now committed to myself in a way I once thought of as ridiculous and selfish. Self-care is so essential and combined with love, respect and honoring yourself as much as humanly possible in each moment (this will probably vary daily- be gentle on yourself) you have a recipe for personal success. I’m devoted to myself wholeheartedly for the rest of my life and I promise to avoid self-sacrifice to the best of my ability. Each day is another opportunity to grow, learn, and strengthen you.

So, when if you feel like your life is a war zone just imagine a scene from a movie where the victor is walking unharmed out of an explosion weapon in hand, dirty and tired, enemy defeated yet standing strong and confident as if you’re grace under fire. You too can be a warrior of life leaving the fight behind you as a champion. Keep moving forward honoring yourself, giving and receiving love genuinely as yourself. 

All my love goes out to the warriors who are willing to fight for themselves. 

<3 Dawnalyn

Honouring Kali (Caroline to Kali)

It's a big thing, you know, to explode a long-term relationship. And not gently, as the slow turn of death was upon me; transmuting complacency to vapid rage. Kali ma consumed my heart, willing towards violent destruction. 

But that's the thing about Kali. She does not burn through to leave in ashes. Oh no. Her divine mandate is to provide for newness. For change and rebirth. To remain stuck in the darkness would be a responsive fuck you to this goddess woman of epically epic proportions. 

So I find myself reflecting upon the time spent since. Wondering where this time has disappeared to, and remembering that it did not go. It was. And is. 

Beyond my small imaginings, this time of change created beautiful newness.  Opportunities for exploration and play in the shadows.  Bringing a lightness of heart that I have never before known.  A trust in the divine that I used to deny as newagey hipster delusional shitty bullshit shit.

And though I feel the rebuild, I am not whole yet.  What remains is the one thing I have desperately ignored.  The area of my life that I have denied for so long.  Well, for 15 years.  And that is romantic love and partnership.  Because it scares the shit out of me.  

I was at one time hurt so deeply that I hid my romantic heart.  I was young, and innocent.  Believing that my unconditional trusting love was enough for someone, for myself.  And so I turned a blind eye to truth.  Until it could be hidden no longer.  Our young love wasn’t enough.  It was most definitely beautiful and transformative.  But it was also restrictive and immature.  He cheated.  I cried.  He wanted me back.  I came back.  He wanted freedom.  I gave him his fucking freedom.

The pain of that hurt changed me.  My heart blistered, and a hardening began.  From that darkness a voice urged protection.  And so I protected.  Masking the soft vulnerable bits.  Hiding the pieces of me that were love within a maze of distractions.

I no longer wanted to participate in the world of seeking romance.  It frustrated and pissed me off.  I had important shit to do in my life.  And so I chose safety, building a relationship that functioned without the deeper connection of the soul.  Because, who really needs that shit anyways, right?

Without pouring through the details of day-to-day interactions, the slow folding of month into month and year into year, suffice it to say that our romantic relationship did not grow.  But the one thing that did was our friendship.  And for that I am very very grateful.  I care so deeply for this man who shared such a large part of my life.  We grew up together.  We created 2 beautiful children, started a business, shared dreams and failures.  

And now that we are no longer together, I appreciate him more than I ever have.  His kind and gentle manner.  The matter-of-fact way that he solves problems and executes solutions.  His devotion and reliability.  If he’ll let me, I will always share in this friendship.  Not just for our children, but for the simple beauty of mutual caring and support.

So many are content with a friendship-focused partnership.  A ‘leave with the one who brung ya’ mentality.  Is my desire for soulful connection pointless?  Naïveté masked as hopefulness?

Well, here’s the thing.  The one thing that I can’t seem to explain away.  The heartsong.  The passion and draw towards something different.  The deep knowingness that finds me in my panicky moments when I question what the fuck I’ve done and washes me over with trust.  And love.  And this is how I know.  This is how I feel the truth.  That what I have done, where I am going, is truth.

Do I know what the future holds?  Who I will be with?  Even how to love?  No.  But I trust.  I have learned how to feel.  No longer trapped within the confines of my self-constructed maze of illusion.  And that is enough.  

Thank you Kali.  

Love,

Your ever faithful, trusting servant