Fighting For Myself: A Reflection of the Last Year

As I look back over the past year I am astounded. A year ago I had so little love for myself that I didn't even realize self-love existed within me. I had lost myself due to choices that dishonored me. I was scared, felt alone and judged. With nowhere to turn but inwards, that is where I went.

I began using “silly” tools that I thought were so corny that no one on earth (except the most desperate of pathetic souls) could actually use such as positive self-talk, smiling at myself in the mirror, listening to my once very strong intuition and instincts aka my heart and soul. 

As it turns out, my heart loves to be heard, actually listened to and honored.

As I began to strengthen these area’s I noticed other positive changes occurring…. I was able to speak from a place of love instead of fear or anger and clearly express myself to those around me. I was beginning to be able to make tough decision based on self-love and honor instead of avoiding them due to the “world of judgement” I was to face if I were to dare make drastic changes in my life.

I began filling my love tank all on my own. Surrounding myself with people who love and respect themselves therefore treating those around them with kindness. Listening to myself, respecting my body and my heart, caring for my physical body more and hearing it before it began to scream at me out of neglect, accepting myself as I am while working on the area’s I felt needed some attention.

Being more gentle on myself in times of error or perceived weakness was one of the most important things I am learning to do- which by the way is not weak at all!!! Vulnerability is one of the most empowering characteristics one can possess. As counter intuitive as it sounds it is the truth… try it, you’ll see. Perhaps start small and work your way up to the bigger stuff. Expose a softer, gentler side of yourself. Maybe expressing a fear/ insecurity to someone safe and loving. When you begin honoring this tender side of yourself strength and awareness of your emotional capacity grows exponentially in ways I thought unimaginable… at least mine did and I am so grateful that I continue to work on it regularly.

On that note, I hear it said that you can only go into your next relationship as healthy as you came out of your last. I don’t entirely agree. I do think that you will have emotional baggage. Some is clear right off the bat and some you won’t realize until further down the road as things come up. I also believe that if you take some time to develop parts of yourself that you previously struggled with, didn't like, or wanted to strengthen or change in some way that you are not in the same place emotionally as when your last relationship ended.

Moving on from relationship stuff to other important pieces of life…. As I brought more awareness to how I was conducting my life and the decisions I was making (and why). I noticed patterns in my viewpoint. I didn't realize how negative I had become, when it happened or why. So, I dove into that.

Turns out I was fucking miserable with my life. Felt limited by various aspects of life and I hated it. My relationship was painful, hurtful and going down a slippery slope. As were my finances and parenting. I could feel my friendships becoming strained as I had felt in the past. This made me uncomfortable, I didn't want to sacrifice the positive things in my life for the negative ones any longer. It was time for a change.

Attitude first- positive thinking, positive self-talk, loving myself more, nurturing relationships that were special to me, not giving energy to those things that deplete me, being with my daughter… not just in body but really there! I began making choices for myself… just for me. These choices were souring other areas of my life even more than what they were. This made it very clear that I had more really big decisions to make… really big!!!

I ended my 8 year relationship. Spent more time with my friends and family. Gave my portion of our jointly owned property to my ex. Sold our vehicle and moved to a new house. Split most of our possessions and bought myself a vehicle. And, turned 30- holy shit… I’m 30!

As much as these choices were so amazing for me they were also extremely weighted with consequence. What the hell is going on? I’m supposed to have my shit together at 30. I’m so fucked! My daughter began Kindergarten as a child from a “broken” home- it literally felt like my heart was torn to pieces. I was now a 30 year old single mother working part time (school hours) as an Administrative Assistant. Single income.

What the hell do I do now?? After the momentary panic subsided I decided what else could I do but go live my fucking life. I am only 30! I am blessed to have an amazing daughter so full of love and kindness, a truly gentle soul. I have family that surround me with endless love and support. My friends come miles and miles to spend time with me just because it might be fun. I’ve had adventures, faced fears, had my heart bruised, faced rejection, embraced my vulnerability, tapped into my “feminine” energy, released fears, faced insecurities, focused on being a better friend, mother and generally a better version on myself.

Holy crap… life fucking rocks! 

Every day is so damn amazing. Even the shit days are there for a reason and are so beautiful in and of themselves. I have a lifetime of self-development ahead of me still but as I look back over just one year of my life I am in awe of what one is capable of achieving. It may not seem monumental to anyone else but if you feel like it’s worthwhile to your health be it mentally, physically or otherwise keep going. Let negative, suppressing energy go free from your life and embrace all of the wonderful energies that are attempting to enter. Create space for new and exciting things if what currently resides there is no longer working for you. There is nothing wrong with making positive changes for yourself even when others don’t agree. Even big, heavy life altering changes!

I am now committed to myself in a way I once thought of as ridiculous and selfish. Self-care is so essential and combined with love, respect and honoring yourself as much as humanly possible in each moment (this will probably vary daily- be gentle on yourself) you have a recipe for personal success. I’m devoted to myself wholeheartedly for the rest of my life and I promise to avoid self-sacrifice to the best of my ability. Each day is another opportunity to grow, learn, and strengthen you.

So, when if you feel like your life is a war zone just imagine a scene from a movie where the victor is walking unharmed out of an explosion weapon in hand, dirty and tired, enemy defeated yet standing strong and confident as if you’re grace under fire. You too can be a warrior of life leaving the fight behind you as a champion. Keep moving forward honoring yourself, giving and receiving love genuinely as yourself. 

All my love goes out to the warriors who are willing to fight for themselves. 

<3 Dawnalyn