In the name of Happiness

Today I wanted to focus on happiness so I started thinking about what makes me happy. A flood of thoughts came in from friends, family, relationships, and struggles that have grown my strength, etc. All I can think of is how grateful I am for my life. Yes I have worked very hard at developing the type if life that I want to live but also feel very lucky.

I wanted to focus on happiness today because I have been struggling to see the best in things lately due to circumstances that are heavy and emotionally weighted, changing seasons and adapting to life’s developments. It has been wearing on my positive outlook. I’m feeling drained. So, how better to fight off the blues than to focus on what makes you happy! Right?!

Firstly, my crazy, quirky family who hardly speak to one another if at all. They are all such beautiful people in their own way. We all have faults but to love family I think you need to be grateful for your differences otherwise you just end up resenting one another and dividing. Random phone calls or texts checking in, asking for help or updating each other on lives is great. I love my family even when they don’t love each other.

My friends, always asking me to do stuff with them to the point that I’m totally exhausted- all the time! I’m not great at saying no, and I get so excited I want to do everything with everyone all the time. I am so happy that I have weirdo’s that like me as much as I like them. Yes, they are weirdo’s just like me… we are all strange and I love it. I’m being myself truly and have never before had better friendships with honesty, respect, mutual interests, support and so much laughter. I appreciate my friends so very much; they are after all the family you get to choose.

Relationships of all kinds are so wonderful and there are so many positive and inspiring ones to be engaged in. I am particularly thankful for three of these relationships today- my ex-partner who is continuously challenging my strength, inspiring me to be a better parent and reminding me of what I am worthy of (rarely in direct ways nonetheless a reminder is a reminder). I have an interesting relationship with a friend who is in a similar situation in life- we call on each other for support on occasion. This relationship is very unique and I am thankful to have someone who is endlessly supportive, doesn’t pry but cares more than most. And lastly, for my current romantic partner. I am experiencing communication I have only dreamed of, honesty and respect that I didn’t know existed in real relationships, not to mention someone fun to go do shit with… yay! Acceptance and support in such a gently and non-judgemental way, I can be me- I can show weakness, strength, insecurity, ego and have yet to feel judged.

I dive deeply into the “struggles” mentioned above. But I will say that anything that resembles a struggle is there for a reason. Usually to teach you a lesson or strengthen who you are in some wonderful way. I am working at embracing the moments I struggle with and simply sit with them, allow the energy to move through me and release it when it is time.

Thank you, to this wonderful world and all the people in it. Someone once told me that “The Universe Loves You!” and I completely agree. Life is so very wonderful and we all have so much to be grateful for. If you’re having a bad day perhaps make a list of things you are thankful for and your perspective may change. Or maybe coffee with a friend is needed…. It’s better than therapy, trust me on that.

With so much love and gratitude,

Dawnalyn <3

Xoxo 

Waiting for What?

My heart is broken.  I don't think I'm strong enough.  All I can dream of in this endless moment of despair is the free fall.  Of the throwing off and weightless sinking I crave to take the place of the gripping heaviness that consumes my twisted wretch of a core.

But I am adverse to bullshit.  And can't seem to bring myself to the avoidance of pain.  Though, at times, I question whether I am allowing it as a form of self-punishment.  A way to ease the deep seated guilt I feel.

I am so very scared of letting you down.  And so I stay.  I work through the moments of hyperventilating confusion and find tiny ways to embrace a growing love that heats.  And at times, burns.

I sense a distraction brewing in this writing.  A setting up of myself as the heroine who overcomes mighty obstacles, triumphing over the evils of fear and insecurity.  Seeking to draw out a happy ending because that is what fairy tales demand.

What if there is no fucking happy ending to a broken heart?  What if the jagged pieces we become are not to come back together as a new whole?  

How about I share a little truth here?  Well, the truth is I don't know if I will be ok.  I can't see the other side of my empty heart to a place where it feels full again.  And as I continue on the slide deeper into the hollow, I question my ability to make it up the other side.  Alone.

Because apparently I don't know how to be loved.  I haven't quite figured out how to receive to the extent that I give.  Or to share with others my needs.  And desires.

When someone offers help, I recoil.  Fearing charity and pretend.  And the burden of me.

And so I position myself an island.   No, less than that - a tiny rock on the island shore not yet smoothed by the current.  And it is here in my loneliness that I sit.  And wait.

What am I waiting for?

Exploring Partnerships - Holy Response Batman (Caroline to Dawn)

Well, this is all super interesting and confusing stuff :). But also the simplest things in the world to do.  Because we are naturally drawn to each other.  To create in Union.  Union of people, with our environment, and Union of self.  

So even when we feel we are totally alone, I call bullshit.  No such thing.  We are intimately connected with those around us, our environment and that space of unity within.  We interact through relationships.  We express and it is received by another. 

Further to expression, we experience the world as reflection.  As a watching of how the other responds to me, how I respond to me, how the natural world bends as we push and breaks as we beat.  I believe this watching goes down to the soul level.  The understanding that we are not the goings on of our body and mind, but rather the watcher who takes in the goings on.  The prime mover.  The energy that instigates movement, thought, feeling.  

And this is where the understanding of meditation is helpful.  Meditation is the opening; the allowance of silence.  Within that space of silence there is infinite possibility and dynamism.  And this is where a spark occurs.  Where creation and relationship are formed.

Now I realise that I've veered away slightly from the discussion on relationship and creating together, but it was with reason.  Because I understand relationship with another, the mutual soul creation, as coming from this same space of silence and possibility.  

So, in my opinion you are completely right.  It is not possible to create soulful, deep, loving connection alone.  Because I feel this creation is what we naturally are.  We have no choice.  

But the thing that gets me, the confusion, is that one can choose to either accept or ignore the deeper callings; the creations and desire to play and be with another.  So in this way I very much agree with you.  There takes a vulnerability, an openness and willingness to actively engage.  And so often to unlearn patterns and habits.

But that's the coolest thing about relationship.  Because of the mirror quality, it is through relationship that those bits of us that could use a little work are revealed.

Ok 1 more thing here.  Slightly off topic but so very relevant.  I think the real need in a romantic relationship, in a partnership, is acceptance.  And with this, the holding up of another; being a champion of your partner rather than a critic.  Because really, we don't need another critic.  The reflection we perceive and feel in another, in the world around us and within us is enough of a critic.  What we truly need in a sustainable, deep and loving partnership is support.

So, 100% YES!!!  I agree with you in that the only way for 2 people to experience deep, soulful connection and creation is through vulnerability and fearlessness.  A willingness to ignore the trappings of the mind, the fear of judgement, and choose openness.  Because what else can you do but try??  I know for me, I have no desire to look back on any day, any moment of my life, and wonder if I chose fear.  Fuck fear in the ear!!!!!!!!!

Exploring Partnerships (Dawn to Caroline)

Care, we talk so much about partnerships. What we want. What we need and why.

Lately, we have come to the topic of creating alone vs creating with others and how this is so powerful. I want to explore this idea further, I want to hear your thoughts and ideas.

The idea that we ever really create alone is sort of insane and a bit self absorbed in a way. We are rarely alone in our creations regardless of what they are, when they happen or who is around. The people around us always have influence in some way on our thoughts, idea's and creations. And are often a part of them.

I believe this is also so very true in partnerships. One person can not create a soulful, deep, loving connection on their own. Both need to be actively engaged, opening, sharing, communicating and being vulnerable in the most intimidating and genuine ways. We both have our own challenges with these things on different levels but know what we must do...right?!

On one side of it, we need to start first with loving and accepting ourselves as completely as we can. On the other side, we need to be creating an emotionally safe environment for our partner to be able to do the same. Simultaneously. The only choices we have are to trust, be vulnerable, face fears, and open ourselves. Thoughts?

It's a couple topics rolled into one here but you get where I'm going.

xo
With Love,
D.

Embracing The Feminine (whatever the hell that means)

My ultimate desire is to be the feminine energy. The feeler. The mover. Like the breeze which enables an eagles flight or the stream that allows a fish to travel miles. Without the wind there is no flight and without water how would the fish swim?

In theory this sounds so wonderful. Elegantly moving with fluidity and grace. The only problem is that I really don't know how the hell to do it!  Without taking action I feel stagnant. Without purpose,  useless. How can one just sit back and "allow"? It's confusing as hell.

To make matters more complicated I have these feeling things that muddle up my business. Confusing the hell out of things along with hormones that turn me into a fucking crazy person on a regular base. Tack this on top of life and you have a recipe for disaster or so it feels.

On the other hand, there is a masculine energy for a reason. Perhaps I CAN feel, move, allow and observe while my well balanced counterpart takes the lead. Guiding things with his robust strength and confidence. Quietly directing with my trust in him as reassurance.

Ok, so how the hell do I do this? How do I get out of my own way, out of my head and create space for new patterns, interactions and a new path? The answer is simple, is it not... stop! Just stop doing. Breath, feel, move, express and allow instead. (Because that's all super easy, right!?)

I want to be your love and you to be mine. Your patience is all I can ask for.


Oct 17 addition

I am coming to realize there is a great need for release. I must let go of attachment to my old roles that no longer serve me. Allow them to dissipate and create space for moving forward. Give myself permission to be free from the binding expectations that have hurt me for so long and that I don't want to bear any longer.

It is amazing how tough letting go can be, even when it is letting go of things that hurt you. The unknown future is scary. But we must remember the beauty and freedom that comes along with change. How can things ever turn out different if we never change what we do.

I am committing to myself right now to chose to be different. I am letting go of past expectations and pressures. I am free to be a new and better version on me. As of today, right now, I am letting go. Allowing. Trusting. Loving. Prioritizing me.

Fuck You Anyways

Take from me what you want

Because that's all I can give you

I don't choose this, it's you

It's always been you

You see what you want to see

And that's okay

Just don't make it into something it's not

With your hopeful illusions

Your ideas of what I should be

What we should be

And really, from my heart to yours, fuck you anyways

In the nicest way I know

By not pretending

Or playing small when you don't like what's reflected

See ya

Off to be someone else's mirror for a while

Fighting For Myself: A Reflection of the Last Year

As I look back over the past year I am astounded. A year ago I had so little love for myself that I didn't even realize self-love existed within me. I had lost myself due to choices that dishonored me. I was scared, felt alone and judged. With nowhere to turn but inwards, that is where I went.

I began using “silly” tools that I thought were so corny that no one on earth (except the most desperate of pathetic souls) could actually use such as positive self-talk, smiling at myself in the mirror, listening to my once very strong intuition and instincts aka my heart and soul. 

As it turns out, my heart loves to be heard, actually listened to and honored.

As I began to strengthen these area’s I noticed other positive changes occurring…. I was able to speak from a place of love instead of fear or anger and clearly express myself to those around me. I was beginning to be able to make tough decision based on self-love and honor instead of avoiding them due to the “world of judgement” I was to face if I were to dare make drastic changes in my life.

I began filling my love tank all on my own. Surrounding myself with people who love and respect themselves therefore treating those around them with kindness. Listening to myself, respecting my body and my heart, caring for my physical body more and hearing it before it began to scream at me out of neglect, accepting myself as I am while working on the area’s I felt needed some attention.

Being more gentle on myself in times of error or perceived weakness was one of the most important things I am learning to do- which by the way is not weak at all!!! Vulnerability is one of the most empowering characteristics one can possess. As counter intuitive as it sounds it is the truth… try it, you’ll see. Perhaps start small and work your way up to the bigger stuff. Expose a softer, gentler side of yourself. Maybe expressing a fear/ insecurity to someone safe and loving. When you begin honoring this tender side of yourself strength and awareness of your emotional capacity grows exponentially in ways I thought unimaginable… at least mine did and I am so grateful that I continue to work on it regularly.

On that note, I hear it said that you can only go into your next relationship as healthy as you came out of your last. I don’t entirely agree. I do think that you will have emotional baggage. Some is clear right off the bat and some you won’t realize until further down the road as things come up. I also believe that if you take some time to develop parts of yourself that you previously struggled with, didn't like, or wanted to strengthen or change in some way that you are not in the same place emotionally as when your last relationship ended.

Moving on from relationship stuff to other important pieces of life…. As I brought more awareness to how I was conducting my life and the decisions I was making (and why). I noticed patterns in my viewpoint. I didn't realize how negative I had become, when it happened or why. So, I dove into that.

Turns out I was fucking miserable with my life. Felt limited by various aspects of life and I hated it. My relationship was painful, hurtful and going down a slippery slope. As were my finances and parenting. I could feel my friendships becoming strained as I had felt in the past. This made me uncomfortable, I didn't want to sacrifice the positive things in my life for the negative ones any longer. It was time for a change.

Attitude first- positive thinking, positive self-talk, loving myself more, nurturing relationships that were special to me, not giving energy to those things that deplete me, being with my daughter… not just in body but really there! I began making choices for myself… just for me. These choices were souring other areas of my life even more than what they were. This made it very clear that I had more really big decisions to make… really big!!!

I ended my 8 year relationship. Spent more time with my friends and family. Gave my portion of our jointly owned property to my ex. Sold our vehicle and moved to a new house. Split most of our possessions and bought myself a vehicle. And, turned 30- holy shit… I’m 30!

As much as these choices were so amazing for me they were also extremely weighted with consequence. What the hell is going on? I’m supposed to have my shit together at 30. I’m so fucked! My daughter began Kindergarten as a child from a “broken” home- it literally felt like my heart was torn to pieces. I was now a 30 year old single mother working part time (school hours) as an Administrative Assistant. Single income.

What the hell do I do now?? After the momentary panic subsided I decided what else could I do but go live my fucking life. I am only 30! I am blessed to have an amazing daughter so full of love and kindness, a truly gentle soul. I have family that surround me with endless love and support. My friends come miles and miles to spend time with me just because it might be fun. I’ve had adventures, faced fears, had my heart bruised, faced rejection, embraced my vulnerability, tapped into my “feminine” energy, released fears, faced insecurities, focused on being a better friend, mother and generally a better version on myself.

Holy crap… life fucking rocks! 

Every day is so damn amazing. Even the shit days are there for a reason and are so beautiful in and of themselves. I have a lifetime of self-development ahead of me still but as I look back over just one year of my life I am in awe of what one is capable of achieving. It may not seem monumental to anyone else but if you feel like it’s worthwhile to your health be it mentally, physically or otherwise keep going. Let negative, suppressing energy go free from your life and embrace all of the wonderful energies that are attempting to enter. Create space for new and exciting things if what currently resides there is no longer working for you. There is nothing wrong with making positive changes for yourself even when others don’t agree. Even big, heavy life altering changes!

I am now committed to myself in a way I once thought of as ridiculous and selfish. Self-care is so essential and combined with love, respect and honoring yourself as much as humanly possible in each moment (this will probably vary daily- be gentle on yourself) you have a recipe for personal success. I’m devoted to myself wholeheartedly for the rest of my life and I promise to avoid self-sacrifice to the best of my ability. Each day is another opportunity to grow, learn, and strengthen you.

So, when if you feel like your life is a war zone just imagine a scene from a movie where the victor is walking unharmed out of an explosion weapon in hand, dirty and tired, enemy defeated yet standing strong and confident as if you’re grace under fire. You too can be a warrior of life leaving the fight behind you as a champion. Keep moving forward honoring yourself, giving and receiving love genuinely as yourself. 

All my love goes out to the warriors who are willing to fight for themselves. 

<3 Dawnalyn

Honouring Kali (Caroline to Kali)

It's a big thing, you know, to explode a long-term relationship. And not gently, as the slow turn of death was upon me; transmuting complacency to vapid rage. Kali ma consumed my heart, willing towards violent destruction. 

But that's the thing about Kali. She does not burn through to leave in ashes. Oh no. Her divine mandate is to provide for newness. For change and rebirth. To remain stuck in the darkness would be a responsive fuck you to this goddess woman of epically epic proportions. 

So I find myself reflecting upon the time spent since. Wondering where this time has disappeared to, and remembering that it did not go. It was. And is. 

Beyond my small imaginings, this time of change created beautiful newness.  Opportunities for exploration and play in the shadows.  Bringing a lightness of heart that I have never before known.  A trust in the divine that I used to deny as newagey hipster delusional shitty bullshit shit.

And though I feel the rebuild, I am not whole yet.  What remains is the one thing I have desperately ignored.  The area of my life that I have denied for so long.  Well, for 15 years.  And that is romantic love and partnership.  Because it scares the shit out of me.  

I was at one time hurt so deeply that I hid my romantic heart.  I was young, and innocent.  Believing that my unconditional trusting love was enough for someone, for myself.  And so I turned a blind eye to truth.  Until it could be hidden no longer.  Our young love wasn’t enough.  It was most definitely beautiful and transformative.  But it was also restrictive and immature.  He cheated.  I cried.  He wanted me back.  I came back.  He wanted freedom.  I gave him his fucking freedom.

The pain of that hurt changed me.  My heart blistered, and a hardening began.  From that darkness a voice urged protection.  And so I protected.  Masking the soft vulnerable bits.  Hiding the pieces of me that were love within a maze of distractions.

I no longer wanted to participate in the world of seeking romance.  It frustrated and pissed me off.  I had important shit to do in my life.  And so I chose safety, building a relationship that functioned without the deeper connection of the soul.  Because, who really needs that shit anyways, right?

Without pouring through the details of day-to-day interactions, the slow folding of month into month and year into year, suffice it to say that our romantic relationship did not grow.  But the one thing that did was our friendship.  And for that I am very very grateful.  I care so deeply for this man who shared such a large part of my life.  We grew up together.  We created 2 beautiful children, started a business, shared dreams and failures.  

And now that we are no longer together, I appreciate him more than I ever have.  His kind and gentle manner.  The matter-of-fact way that he solves problems and executes solutions.  His devotion and reliability.  If he’ll let me, I will always share in this friendship.  Not just for our children, but for the simple beauty of mutual caring and support.

So many are content with a friendship-focused partnership.  A ‘leave with the one who brung ya’ mentality.  Is my desire for soulful connection pointless?  Naïveté masked as hopefulness?

Well, here’s the thing.  The one thing that I can’t seem to explain away.  The heartsong.  The passion and draw towards something different.  The deep knowingness that finds me in my panicky moments when I question what the fuck I’ve done and washes me over with trust.  And love.  And this is how I know.  This is how I feel the truth.  That what I have done, where I am going, is truth.

Do I know what the future holds?  Who I will be with?  Even how to love?  No.  But I trust.  I have learned how to feel.  No longer trapped within the confines of my self-constructed maze of illusion.  And that is enough.  

Thank you Kali.  

Love,

Your ever faithful, trusting servant

I'm not the type to ask (Caroline to Dawn)

I'm writing this to you because I needed you last night.  Like REALLY needed you.  I asked, but not clearly.  And when you said yes, I felt relief.  And then when you were no longer available, instead of telling you, I did what I often do - ignored the situation.  Tried to push it away.  And I got really upset.  Because I didn't know how else to ask and it made me feel completely alone.  And frustrated with my giving.  Which are feelings I am tired of experiencing.  So, I wrote this.

----

I'm not the type to ask.  Like really ask.  For anything.  I'll say it once.  Indicating a desire or request.  But when you push back slightly or I sense resistance at all, I'm outta there.

Now, I don't know if this is a defence mechanism or a respect for you.  Or perhaps a bit of both?  Or...maybe I just don't know how to be clear in communicating what I want or need.  

My close friends typically know that if I ask, even just gently or quietly, that it is important.  Because I tend not to.  And because my respect for you means that I reach out with request only when I truly need it.

Well fuck.  All of this is just kinda bullshit isn't it??  I feel like it's completely missing the point.  Just distracting from the real issue.  Which  is that our reliance on each other is frightening.  We manifest as separate beings, but really and truly are all so incredibly connected.

And I understand this deeply as a giver; as someone who gives unconditionally whenever possible. But to be connected, truly part of the whole, we must also learn how to receive.  To ask for what we want and need.

It's truly about surrender.  The complete unmasking and bravery to be vulnerable.  And in the vulnerability, to discover strength and joy.  To allow yourself a complete falling apart.  To surrender to the goodwill of others and welcome their giving as beautiful acceptance.  To see and embrace the highest beauty in every moment, situation, and experience.

So perhaps it's not ok to whisper quietly my needs and desires.  Maybe that's actually a disrespecting of the higher order of connectedness.  And in avoiding or denying the receiving half of giving, I am depriving others of the gift of connecting.  Of becoming part of the whole.  And also denying myself the full expression of life and love.

If I was your (wo)man... (from Dawn to Caroline)

Everyday you make me fall more in love with you. Your strength is so profound- and I'm referring to the strength it takes to allow yourself to fall to pieces among the daily pressures. This accentuates your beauty in the most breathtaking way and I wish I could see you today. 

Not to offer you support. 

Just to hold you so your physical body can relax through the pain of destruction in the comfort of my love.

After all, you are my favorite idiot!

The Broken Goddess (by Dawn)

            Each morning she wakes up with the sunrise as it touches her with warm rays of golden thread filtering through the white linen curtains. This makes her soul feel alive and inspired but today something is different. The sun is shining as it normally does, awakening her gently with its caress. Today when she wakes up she doesn’t feel alive or inspired, this feeling has been getting less intense. Her inner fire and passion seem to be compromised.

            And today, today she feels like there is a black hole where her heart once was. How did this happen, it’s so very confusing. Where has her passion for life gone without her, she doesn’t want to be left behind. An empty shell of pain and confusion, alone in the world as if everything she once knew is slowly slipping away, farther and farther into the distance. Feeling scared and alone, she retreats into herself. Shutting down all emotions, other than those necessary for defense and survival- anger, frustration, and aggression. It’s time to guard her heart with what little of herself she has left.

 

            As she moves through her daily activities, her interactions are becoming more strained, more painful, less enjoyable and harder to navigate. There is a huge barrier in her life that she can’t yet see. Her struggles must first grow until she cracks, breaking into pieces and attempts to rebuild many times. So many in fact that she feels cornered by ugly choices. There are no more comfortable choices left to pick from. She’s broken, alone, exhausted laying at the bottom of a deep, dark pit- her life.

 

Lying in pieces motionless she has nothing left but the ability to reflect on the deep, dark void that was once her life. She is nothing, she has nothing. She is reduced to nothing more than shards of broken glass that can never return to what they once were.

 

Questions run through her mind constantly, if only she could quiet the voices of fear, invalidation, and sabotage...there are so many voices. Hers, his, theirs, why won’t they stop. How did this happen? Why me? Why does this hurt so much? I’m so scared. I’m weak, hopeless with nowhere to turn. Feeling more alone than ever before as if she has been sent into solitary confinement and the world around her has died. Abandoning her to remain with only her thoughts. Painful, judging, accusing, blaming, hurtful thoughts looking for validation.

 

Feeling cornered she has but one remaining skill- her breath. Inhale, exhale, pause. Inhale, exhale, pause. Inhale, exhale, pause. Inhale, exhale, pause. Inhale, exhale, pause. It’s all she has. She continues to inhale, exhale and pause until enough strength returns that she can begin to move her limbs. Slowly, gently she has to relearn how to move. She has been broken for so long. Attempting to move one limb at a time, inhale, exhale, pause. She stumbles and falls. Breath and try again, she manages to take just one step before falling again. She needs rest.

 

Stillness settles into her aching body. Breath is returning to normal. But the pain remains, the emptiness as vast as eternity, and the gaping hole in her chest feels raw. A twinge so small it’s barely palpable flutters in her soul… could it be! One golden thread of strength remains deep down in her being. The thread is buried so deeply and is so fine it can only be felt when all else is still and silent. She breathes, motionless. She closes her eyes, was it just her imagination or is there hope? Silence, stillness, and breathe reveal the answer. Yes! She feels it again. But how to gain access and use this fine thread? It appears so fragile it could break at the slightest pressure.

 

            More breathe, it’s still her only tool. Connecting with the essence of this seemingly fragile glimmer of hope through breath and gentle movements develops this subtle strength. Each day she takes time to turn off the pain of the outside world, the void, the judgement to spend time alone with this golden thread, it needs love. She has very little to give but she’s willing to try for could things actually get any worse.

 

            The thread is becoming thicker and stronger each day. As it does, her love grows. Love for herself. The pain is still there although the deep aching seems to be subsiding ever so slightly. Her heart is heavy but the burden is lifting and the black hole shrinks bit by bit. As the darkness settles, rays of light begin to creep in for the golden thread is attracting it. Reflecting light onto the dark surfaces of her being. There is hope for her after all. She might just survive this.

 

            Her golden thread has become a rope strong enough for climbing. She’s ready to try, she wants to face her demons and those of others who helped to put her here. Her strength is returning and her love growing exponentially. Not entirely sure of who she is yet or who she is becoming but she trusts. More than ever before she trusts, in herself and in the goodness of humanity. Ironically, feeling the deep unsettling of emotional abandonment, the white hot irons of verbal suppression and the demons of betrayal have opened her eyes to all that is good in the world. It doesn’t have to be this way! I don’t have to live like this! But she knows it will be a fight to get out. A battle so epic it will go down in the history of her soul like an apocalypse.

 

            Anchoring her golden rope of faith and strength she begins her climb. It’s intimidating, she is now completely alone with only herself to rely on. In this she trusts that all will be well because she is enough. Slowly, steadily climbing. Dodging obstacles of fear, maneuvering over boulders of judgment and questioning she stays the course unwavering in herself. With each minute step of success she can feel her soul lighting up, her passion returning slowly although it feels different no longer rebellious in nature but far more settled like a compass guiding her methodically forward.

 

            She has no idea how far she has to go to make it out of the pit that has become her life, all she knows is she must keep moving. Resting, breathing and heeding the guidance of her soul’s compass. There will be a day of victory. She will conquer this void and she will once again own her identity never to compromise it again. With that trust she continues onward, bleeding from the remaining shards of glass that have penetrated her being. They are but surface wounds that will heal in time and hold no comparison to the depth of her inner struggles. She prepares herself sensing that the battle is near.

 

            The sun is shining as it normally does, awakening her gently with its caress. Today when she wakes up she doesn’t just feel alive or inspired and this feeling has been getting more intense. She doesn’t feel inspired. She feels new, strong, and ready. There’s no way of knowing what life has in store for her but she is brave, courageous and able. Strong enough for the largest of battles, she stands tall puts on her shield and emerges into the day with the understanding that she is alone and that is alright. Finding nothing waiting for her she is confused. Where is the battlefield, the soldiers, the demons, the fight?

           

            She sits down slightly disappointed that she didn’t have the opportunity to put her new found strength to use, she breathes. Inhale, exhale, pause. A new voice creeps in, one she is unfamiliar with: “Look back, the battle has been won and so you are free.”

So let's be specific (from Caroline to Dawn)

So we were talking about being specific right?!  Well, the only problem is that I'll get what I ask for.  And without really talking about what I want openly (cause I think generalizations are pretty valuable) what if I'm not ready to get what I ask for?  

What if my subconscious/heart consciousness is intentionally holding me back from expressing because it's not time?  But on the flip side, what if I'll never be ready to receive until I first ask? Deep shit, right?! Lol

Because there are things I am learning.  And I'm loving it.  But I miss support of the familiar.  But here's the fucked up thing.  And this IS being specific - every time someone actually offers any help or a soft place to fall, or worst of all their heart!!, I get scared as fuck and blow up the whole goddamned cookie factory.

I think that's enough rambling for now.  Because I wanna hear what you have to say... because you are the only person I stand completely naked in front of.

Because that's what we do...

Every day, 2 fabulously wonderful friends chat about life, love, relationships, work and everything in between.  Sometimes the shit said is profound.  Other times it's just that - shit.  

This blog is a great place for these peaches to put pen to screen and keep track of our musings.  Perhaps we'll open it to others in the future.  And if you're reading this, take what we say with a grain of salt.  Or sugar.  I like sugar