I don't believe in waiting

By C

I don't believe in waiting.  Waiting for tomorrow.  Waiting for security, love, people, confidence, happiness.  Waiting for an unknown future that promises nothing.

I have often waited out of fear.  I had no idea how to begin and was scared that if I started there was no turning back.  I craved safety and security.  I recoiled at the idea of trusting my heart over my head.

Now, I'm not speaking of patience here. Patience is the allowing that comes after intention and action have occurred.  Patience offers solace in the understanding that everything is ok; that possibility creates in a gentle way.

But waiting...waiting is a copout.  It's a 'maybe later' that easily slips into regret.  Waiting is a choice to listen to the fears and limitations we believe of ourselves.

What would happen if we stopped believing our fears and limitations?  What's the worst that we may experience if we took a step?  Maybe we'd have to face up to the fact that we were wrong.  Or worse, maybe we'd have to change.

Change can hurt.  And it often leaves us so uncomfortable that we struggle with finding a new normal.  But nothing is as uncomfortable as staying trapped in our illusions.  Keeping ourselves small serves no one.

What if simply chose to take one step?  A small one, a big one, any step. What if we listened to the small urges guiding us and took a break from listening to the arguments of our brain?  The brain is so good at organizing, criticizing and judging;  always living in the past or some imagined future.  The brain is the part of us that sucks at trusting and being.  How can we possibly grow and evolve if we are living in this space?  It only knows of yesterday and believes this is all we are capable of.

Our steps don't need to be huge.  They just need to be.  They can't wait for a readiness that will never come.  How could it?  We really only feel comfortable with something AFTER we've experienced it.

Don't know what to do?  Then it doesn't matter which direction the first step is in.  And what an incredible opportunity for exploration!  

What if our dreams are so big that we can't clearly see the best direction to take?  Ahhh, this is a good one.  Well, maybe we just need to start.  Small steps, honest conversations, listening, trust.

That's it.  Trust.  Breathe.  Trust some more.  Stop waiting.

In Darkness I See

 The dark moments and dark people make others light shine even brighter. I am grateful for the dark parts of life. I'm literally choking on my words as I write this because it so hard to hold this in focus when the dark parts are leaving marks on my heart. This happened today. It hurt. I cried. A lot. I was distracted from the present moments as they came and went. However, in between those moments there were lights shining bright. Supporting. Loving. Holding. Accepting. These lights shined so brightly all day. Warming my heart with each smile, giggle and hug. I have to say a huge thank you to the darkness as it serves as a constant reminder of what should be focused on - the shining lights. To the shining lights- I love you, you warm my heart and soul.

-D.

How I know

With you, I feel at peace.  That's how I know I love you.  My heart feels safe and within this safety there is freedom.

I also feel a bit nervous with you.  This is also how I know I love you.  You challenge me to remain aware and within this awareness there is freedom.

So basically, with you I feel free. And this is everything 

~ C

Nothing left to do but listen...

~ by C

She spent a good part of her life afraid of others.  She didn't understand them.  And moreso, didn't understand herself.  

The self-punishment, passive aggressive tendencies, and malicious ways that both seep and pour out of us at times frightened her.  They eluded to oncoming pain and deprivation.  

She didn't understand boundaries, or allowing without taking on.  And felt the connection and dependency of all so deeply that thinking on the pain of others meant that she also suffered.  Her introverted softness and desire for vulnerability meant she felt the need to protect from the darker, painful ways or risk hurt.

And then, one day, she woke up.  She let go.  Just like that.  Something in her pulled towards full allowance and transparency.  Acceptance of everything exactly as it is.  Without judgement, or fear.  Only a quiet curiosity and reverence at what is.

In this moment she came alive.  Without fear, she left constrictive situations and ignored the judgement of others.  She followed her heart, finally understanding the divine feminine that pulls us all toward creation and allowing.  And at the same time, felt more pain that she could have ever imagined possible.

The allowing meant that she no longer pushed away or retreated.  And because she'd spent a better portion of 20 years learning how to not feel, she had very few tools for dealing with emotions and a shit ton to learn.

That small voice within also urged the need to sit with her emotions.  To open to them and wait.  She had always believed her life to be a beautiful experiment, and so she listened; risking both emotional safety and the security of aloneness.

Some days, she spent countless hours parked outside the grocery store, or curled in a ball unable to leave bed in the morning.  She was gripped by overwhelming grief of unprocessed emotions.  Bits of past longed to be aired and accepted.  

Her learned ways of ignoring and denial no longer worked.  The only way past was through.  And the more she resisted the gripping pangs of emotion, the longer and more painful the episode became.  

Attempt at control meant more pain, and so she learned small ways of letting go.  Slow and steady breathing, sinking heavy into meditation, reading the inspiring works of others, pouring her heart into words of her own for release, and opening up to her closest friend were her lifelines. She became an observer of herself, often feeling the sensation of being outside normal reality looking down on the happenings of daily life.

The control she used to think was keeping her safe was actually keeping her from the joy she so desperately longed for and somehow knew was hers to rediscover.  Looking at the pain and difficulties of others was no longer debilitating, but rather inspiring as it filled her with compassion and appreciation.  A gentle understanding that struggle often opens to appreciation, and suffering to joy.

A deep seated trust sunk in.  The fears still surface but now they are easier to recognize and even easier to release.  The sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach is now an alert to pause and process rather than run and hide; an opportunity for growth and experience.

And out of this rediscovery of truth, she has found a peace that keeps her grounded.  A love for what is, exactly as it is.  And a quiet knowing that every moment is new opportunity.  What happens next?  Only her heart knows that, so now there's nothing left to do but listen.  

Secret Longings

I used to think that wanting was wrong.  That my desire for more or different was a denial of gratitude and appreciation for the many people, things, and opportunities that are currently in my life.  I felt guilt.  And shame.  And even disgust at my secret longings.

What is wrong with me?  Why can't I be happy with what I have?  These thoughts and feelings tormented me and caused a hardening, a suppressing and denial of desire, and panicked fear that my longings would somehow be found out.

It didn't help that many others hold this same belief.  Friends, family, partners, even strangers with an opinion, who fear the change that will upset the way things are and recoil at the idea of deserving more.  The world of rules and order and cultural habit longed to keep things simple, organized, and obedient.  Ruffling feathers meant resistance and forceful dissuasion.

But sometimes these longings have no choice but to be expressed.  Sometimes we feel that the skin of our current selves becomes so restrictive that we need to shed it in order to breathe again.  Our longings pull so hard that they crack us wide open and drag us straight past the fears and judging eyes.  

And it is here that we find peace.  In this space of self-acceptance we discover flow and possibility and expansiveness.  Sure there are still fears that surface, and nagging questions of worth.  Even now, as I write this, I feel small pangs of unworthiness; lingering feelings that my desires are nothing more than trivial fantasies.  

But our new selves know that we sure as hell don't want to go back to that place we outgrew.  And truthfully, we couldn't fit into that old skin even if we tried.  

And guess what happens next?  The world expands with us and conspires to satisfy our desires; to fulfill our sincere wish for more.  Really!  

Our personal preferences are the distilled expression of our unique and beautiful being.  They are reflections of our current state and opportunities for expansion.  Change, growth, and evolution are propelled forward by those of us with the courage to express the vulnerability of our longings.

Is it scary?  Fuck yes!  Well, sometimes it is.  But once you've had a taste of the knowing that you are a powerful creator in your life, and see the effects of how your deepest desires serve to enhance and inspire your life and the lives of those around you, you will never go back to the belief that you are unworthy of more.

For me, it has been a very long and twisted road of self-discovery and acceptance.  One that I know now doesn't end but rather opens to more and more possibility.  Fulfillment and happiness are continually expanding concepts.  Now as I reflect on my life, I have so much gratitude and love for the way it is and has been, paired with an excitement for all of the many things that are yet to come!

Those big explosive moments don't tend to happen as often anymore because I now recognize the value of fulfillment in all of the small pulls I feel on a day-to-day basis.  Rather than waiting for the overwhelming need to escape and be rid of, I've been trying to find daily ways to express my desires and gently exfoliate the skin of my past self so that I can grow into newness.

The more we pay attention to and follow our preferences, the more we recognize the small feelings of desire as guiding hands on our journey.  And so we find people and opportunities that allow for this expression.  Who long to hear about our desires and what makes us come alive.  

My sincerest wish is that we all follow these desires that are pulling us in the direction of growth and fulfillment.  That we open our hearts to each other and accept the unique expression that we each choose.  And that we take the desires that are burning within and let them out to be so much more that we could have ever imagined possible.

On The Idea That We Are All Creators of Our Reality...

If I create my reality inclusively this means I can be or do anything I want.... woah!

I just had the craziest idea (or maybe it's perfect!), only time will tell.

I am a queen. Elegant. Graceful. Generous. Kind. Loving. Strong. My presence commands respect and admiration. I lead with compassion and consideration, gracefully guiding with integrity. My kingdom knows and feels my love for them in every word, every action.

My offspring is watching, learning, developing into herself. She is much like I am. At a young age she is strong, powerful, confident, a leader. She will one day have a kingdom of her own to guide and she is building it now. Stone by stone. Brick by brick as I have done with mine.

My kingdom is not yet complete. I continue to construct it tirelessly for the duration of my life. For I am the queen, how could I ever stop. Stagnation will lead down a path contrary to all that I believe. So I will continue to contrive my kingdom, my palace, my sanctuary.

My domain welcomes all with open arms. Community is so very important. It is my role to nurture and protect them all. And so I keep a watchful eye on those nearby. I extend my love as I am of service to the community and all those who reside here. My kingdom needs love, as much love as possible.

Each day is an opportunity for me to be a better queen. I muster up all of the love inside myself. I dig up my strength. I stand strong and tall. I show my pride and confidence openly. I rise above yesterday. I smile. I offer love and support. I speak honestly and respectfully. I feel gratitude, so much gratitude. I speak with integrity and love. I move gracefully and effortlessly. I am a queen.

Perhaps we are all the queens and kings of our kingdoms. Maybe we lead a domain every day of our lives. 

I am the queen of my life. My kingdom is my world. Those who enter, pass through, or stay in my life are the residents. How I conduct myself each day directly reflects how I lead, both myself and others.

With all my love your Queen in service, 

Dawnalyn

Shifting Gears (from Overdrive to Observation)

After reading a most amazing book (The Mastery of Love- which I recommend everyone and their dog reads) yesterday I can feel myself shifting. I'm moving into an observatory mode. Watching. Listening. Stepping back from interactions, mostly emotionally but also mentally. I want to engage less and observe more.

I increasingly notice when / where people have resistance. We can rarely understand others enough to know exactly why the resistance is so strong around certain topics yet it is there. Pushing back, rejecting, dispelling. I will not continue to push, to attempt to justify or validate my opinion/ information. If someone doesn't want it or isn't ready they will not receive it at all. That is ok, perfect in fact. 

I see others gravitating towards certain people, topics, areas, etc. They are drawn here. Sometimes as a trigger response to a validation attempt or seeking attention. Other times it appears to simply be an organic draw to interactions that leave you feeling good. This too is ok, perfect again.

Others hang their heads in self punishment, embarrassment, or other parasitic emotions. Making themselves pay for their actions, words, or interactions. Pushing themselves down to the ground as they have with others. Condemning themselves for their wrong doings. This is ok, perfect in this moment.

We are all at such different places even though we walk side by side, work together, play the same games, and interact similarly on certain topics. You can not convince someone to hear, see or feel something they are not ready for. And likewise, when you are ready for information, transformation, change, whatever it seems to resonate so intensely as if you can feel it in your soul! This is all so perfect.

Every moment we are exactly where we should be. But why must we punish ourselves? Conditioning? Our parents did, so now we do? Lack of self-worth? Acceptance? Normality? 

If self punishment is where you are, that is fine. We all choose to treat ourselves how we feel we deserve to be treated. What if self punishment and suffering just wasn't necessary? What if we acknowledge our "wrong doings" or the wrongs of others for what it is and let it go. How hard is it to break the patterns of self sabotage, short changing yourself, or self punishment? 

Well, we learned it somewhere right?! So, can we then learn to be more forgiving and loving? I think so. But I think we need to get clear in ourselves exactly how we define forgiveness and love. 

My daughter defined love last night as: "being nice to each other and getting along". It's a pretty simple definition. Respect, she defined as: "being kind". If we used definitions as basic as these they might be quite simple to implement into our daily lives a little more.

With more love and forgiveness perhaps we would all project our emotional garbage onto others. Maybe we wouldn't condition our children to think that our uncontrolled anger as adults is their fault. Perhaps bringing awareness to our triggers, anger, pain, sadness, or emotional outbursts will encourage us to choose our words more wisely and more kindly. Not just towards our children, but also towards our friends, college,  spouses and strangers.

Do those around us need to be punished because of the sadness, fear, pain, or anger we are feeling inside ourselves? No, they certainly don't!! These are all of our own emotions to acknowledge, face and deal with. Our triggers are ours, they are not someone else's fault. When an emotion is triggered in us it is entirely ours to own and manage. There may have been something outside ourselves that caused this emotion to arise in us... but it has arisen within you. Making it yours to own. Projecting this onto those around you is simply deflecting ownership and avoiding growth.

I wonder if we learn to own each of these things as they come up how things might change. If I recognize my triggers as mine (almost as if I triggered myself, removing the external component) how would I manage it differently? The pleasurable things that come into my life and cross my path, are they too reflections of my internal relationship? Is our relationship with the world around us a direct reflection of our relationship with ourselves? 

Are you / I constantly faced with people / situations that challenge our insecurities? Are you / I faced with people / situations that bring in love and highlight the amazing area's of life?

Maybe, just maybe if we own every detail of our lives, emotions, interactions, expressions, and ourselves as we are in this moment we will experience less suffering. 

As for me, I think I'll sit back and continue to take in the worlds around me, fill my heart and interactions with love and acceptance and see what happens... 

With all my love and gratitude,
D.

The Glimmer in Her Eyes

As I sit back and watch you and the others I am reminded once again of how grateful I am. Grateful for all of the challenges you represent and create in my life. You give me so many opportunities to act with the utmost integrity, self respect, and strength.

I have to confess that I have very few moments in my life (so far) that I would call "mom moments". For some reason I don't get this overwhelming sense of passion that drives me to be a great mom that, in my perception, other moms get regularly. I carry guilt about this lack of "mom passion" that seems to come so naturally to others. It gets particularly heavy when I feel the weight of being on my own. I had a break through recently. I felt it, that passion that arises. Kicks your parenting into overdrive and makes you want to be the best role model you could possibly be for your little person. This is partially due to you...

So I have to say Thank you. Thank you for showing me how NOT to treat others. Thank you for the opportunities to express my strength. Thank you for granting me moments to show my daughter what it looks and feels like to be a strong woman in the face of ignorance. Thank you for helping me teach her how to move gracefully through bullshit. You rock! Without you in my life these opportunities wouldn't be quite so abundant.

As I continue to watch you and others with gratitude in my heart and mind I see even more opportunity for me and her. I see how insanely proud I am to have a strong, courageous little person. In many ways she is a replica of me. I'm astounded to see the accomplished little lady she is at just 6 years old. I'm impressed and inspired to keep pushing forward. Stand strong, standing down only when it's in her or my best interest. Charging through life with her by my side. She is so tremendous already at such a young age. This girl is going to be unstoppable.

My motivation has been completely renewed and recharged. I have seen the strength a 6 year old can posses and show. I have seen clearly my own strength being displayed. I will never sell myself short again, ever. I'm ready. My heart is full. My soul is prepared. My mind is clear. Bring it Universe!

Try It

With love from C to you

What if you decided to try?

What if the decision to be all in is enough?

Maybe we are just always holding ourselves back for fear of failure or not being good enough

What a fucking waste of time!

If you're going to do it, do it

You don't show up on stage with half effort and expect an encore

Have the courage to be scared and keep going

Because your heart knows

Stop and listen

Love with everything you have

Find the magic

It's there

Don't believe the ones who deny it

They lie because they're scared

They're scared of pain

And of loss

But you don't have to be

You can be the one whose courage awakens others

You can live in the most beautiful happiness

We all deserve it

So why not you?

Do it

Now

So Fucking Grateful

From C

I am so fucking grateful

For every breath, every movement  

A blessing

Pure joy, infinite possibility

My health, my strength

The energy that surges through me and forms passion in all that I do

Also the weak moments

The fears, the confusion

Even the pain of loneliness

Because they are truth

And my purpose is to learn truth

Not the convenient truth

The surface mask of reality

Painted on like the face of an aging beauty queen

But rather the truth of imperfection

The magic that pushes it's way

into the tiniest of moments

A bright morning after a dark night of wretchedness

A slow smile that curls the lips and warms the soul

And...

So am I

A moment in time

The space in between that expands when you pause

That's what I crave

That's what I seek when all becomes confused

The gentle rustle of leaves

Wind making its way through as they bend to allow

The sound and feeling of movement

Of allowing

As are the leaves, so am I

Strong Enough to Try?

C

She fears that you only want her because she reminds you of something you've forgotten.  And then when you remember, will you move on?  You smile when she laughs, and hold her when you feel lonely.  But do you ask what she needs; what her heart longs for?

Will you be strong enough to try?  Will you risk your heart knowing that she won't give you the world but rather, share it with you?  

Because this is what she offers.  It's real, and messy, and beautiful.  Not the fantasy that you likely pictured when you first met her.  Or the image that you often see projected into the world.  But the vulnerable, soft and hard, brave and fearful woman who craves exploration of the depths.

She's waiting for you.  But she can't wait much longer.  Her heart craves connection.  And if you choose not to give it, then she will find someone who will.

When there are no words I write

From D

I have never wanted to commit my life to someone before, you were the first. It saddens me to think that I let that slip through my fingers or rather I probably pushed it away. In the moments that I wanted nothing more than for you to love me I pushed you away the hardest when I really just wanted to pull you in. I was guarding without even realizing it. I was holding back from showing you the full me for fear of rejection. I wanted your love but I was so afraid at the same time. Afraid of many things. As I know you were as well. 

You were one of the few people I believed when you told me I looked beautiful. I trusted you fully. Now I can't stop myself from shutting down in your presence. I like to see the real you, the unfiltered, honest version of yourself that you only show a few. That man is amazing. I love him. And even more than that I miss him. I miss the real moments, conversations and touch. 

I think I made you feel insufficient in some ways. I don't know how to avoid doing this and that's why I always told you how wonderful you are. Both of these caused issues that I wasn't able to overcome quickly enough to matter. You are enough. So much more than enough. In no way was I idealizing you, I was attempting to express appreciation for the strengths you have. They are so commendable, stable, and admirable. You are a man others aspire to be and you don't even realize it. You deserve to be appreciated and loved for all these great qualities.

It makes me ill to think of you with another. I can't stomach the thought of being with anyone else either. But, there is nothing I can do at the moment. I can't tell you I miss you. I can't joke around lightly as if nothing has happened. All I can do is let it be. Doing nothing. Watching in stillness as we try to navigate forwards.

I want to distance myself and engage with you all at once. It's quite confusing really. I don't want to see you everyday yet feel it would be unbearable too. So, I take no action. I shut down and close off. Attempt to maintain composure and fight the inclination to express anything real to you at all. I know it won't help and in fact will likely make you pull away. I'm lost for words, I'm lost for actions. So I freeze, try to force a smile when I can and with love in my heart I continue to push ahead.

Gratitude Through a Broken Heart...

There are moments in life that help you gain clarity so instantly, cause an explosion of gratitude and make you want to spread love.

A broken heart is an opportunity to grow your love. A physical wound is an opportunity to heal and strengthen. An emotional bruise is an opportunity to reflect and develop yourself further.

I just had one of these moments of clarity. Feeling so blessed for every little thing, every amazing friend, my health, acquaintances that have impacted me more than they know and all of my family. 

We are all gifted life everyday. We chose how we want to use each of these days. Our actions are our own desicion, every single one. Are we using these moments to add value, spread love and create connections?  I'm evaluating my choices and choosing to try to be a better me, spread more love and express gratitude and appreciation for what I have and who I have in my life. 

I choose love. To act from a place of love. Speak loving words. Give love freely. Accept love willingly. ❤ 

Reflections

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately and I have discovered that I wasn't ready to involve kids to the level that I thought should be starting to happen. I think I need to take a different approach to relationships and reprogram in some ways. I want/ need to have separation in some ways. Kids being one way that I think I need more space and time. As well as the relationship itself... meaning I want to have my own life and be on my own in many ways. I do want partnership for sure, but I don't need/ want it to be full on all the time rather running parallel to one another, offering support and involvement but not 100% combined. I like having my own space to be alone when I want but I also like having someone safe and comfortable to have around at times. I was feeling pressured somehow to have this "normal" relationship but that won't work for my life nor is it genuinely what I desire. I was feeling pressure to make sure all the pieces fit "properly" and what they typically should look like but that all flushes out naturally and in time if you allow it, it breaks down with pressure.


I don't think there are many norm's that apply to my life at the moment and I wouldn't want them to. However, this means that I need to learn new patterns and I have to re-frame how I think and approach life. We are pressured to have things that conform to idea's of normal or acceptable such as relationships that flow, all the pieces fit automatically and is presented to the world in a certain way. This just won't work for me. I have to do things differently to be happy. I want freedom, flexibility and my own life separate from another and at the same time I desire connection, support and affection. The balance and combination of these things is where I have been struggling within myself and honestly I've been having a hard time accepting that this is what I want. I need to be allowed to genuinely be myself without feeling the need to hold back or filter and I have to offer the same level of acceptance.


I'd like to avoid having many transitional relationships especially ones that involve Hannah. I want real connection, support and love. I'm not willing to settle and accept anything less, it's not worth it. However, I also don't need to rush or push anything. It's just not necessary. I need to learn how to take a new approach to connection as I need separation at the same time.

With love ❤ D.

Farewell Love

~ Dawn

I have to thank you for being in my life. Without you I wouldn't have had the opportunity to learn what love means. Even now with you being gone I am grateful, not heartbroken. 

There are moments when I think I should be upset with you for "giving up" on us. Then I remember that I only have control over myself and very little else. I remind myself that love is not being with someone or having a partner. Rather repecting another and wanting only the best for then and honoring yourself and them completely. Simply that. 

Attachment to an outcome does not encourage or enable love. Time, space, self love and respect encourage love to grow.

Looking back I can see where we both fell short- I hate that term but am at a loss for another expression. I can also see what we did well. 

I love that you cried at that movie. When we were laying in bed, your eyes were closed and you said you missed me when we were apart. You listened and tried. You showed up more than anyone has even tried to before. In so many ways you were amazing for me. I learned so much.

I only hope that I added as much value to your life as you did to mine. I wish you a lifetime of love and happiness but even more than that, I hope you allow this for yourself. We all deserve love.

With love in my heart I say thank you and farewell.

We are Love

*Disclaimer for you Dawn :).  I like understandjng that love is irrelevant of, but so much more because of the other.  I like that I can share this and know that it's about anyone I choose :))

I’ve loved you so much longer than I’ve known you

And when I saw you, I knew

Every piece of me was pulled

Even those bits that I forgot about

The ones that thought they were done with this world

But I sure as hell didn’t know how to be with you

And so I rebelled

I fought that love tooth and nail

Pretending it wasn’t real

Making excuses for my so-called solitude

For all those walls I have up

“Oh, it’s to protect me

Because love hurts, you know”

And so, I question my sanity

Then laugh hysterically at the answer that does not come

Because it wasn’t real

Those walls were like a puff of smoke

They are felt, but all you have to do is take a step forward and you’re through

And really, I don’t need you

I don’t need your devotion, your commitment, to feel complete

I’m just me, alone

Sometimes…

But other times I am so much more

Because of you

Because of what you remind me of

Of who you inspire me to be

Of who we are and what we create

Those tiny pieces of me that come alive with you

And so, my heart hurts when I’m not with you

The home it has found with you feels half-way vacant

I want to touch you

I want to explore you and share with you

I want to make love with you

Like really make it

Not that pretend sort of love that seeks approval

Or the kind that desires to possess as though it will fix

And I know we do

Make love

We make love better than anyone I know

We give that shit away like skittles

And everywhere we go together people smile

Because they know

That we are love

~ C

More up top? Lol

If I wanted to be more attractive I'd get fake boobs.  But here's the thing - I just couldn't do that.  Or let alone anything else to my body for the sole purpose of appearing more attractive.

Why?  Well it's only partly because I wouldn't want to.  I mean, I can be just as susceptible as the next person to the need for approval from others.  But here's the big thing - I could NEVER do that to my daughter.

I'm always telling her that she's perfect exactly the way she is.  And really, she's pretty darned amazing.  A little fireball who says exactly what she's thinking, has an awesome sense of humor and loves like she'll never be hurt.

So what would it do to her if I showed her I felt not good enough the way I am?  Well I know what I'd think.  Basically that all those supportive and uplifting words were lies, a bit of make believe.

Perhaps the effects on her wouldn't be so obvious now, but as she grows and begins to experience the twisted beliefs and insecurities of others, she will likely come to rest on the idea that she also isn't good enough. And how could she believe anything else?  Everywhere she turns, she'll see people wearing a mask; putting up a front in order to feel love and acceptance.

And can you imagine the sinking feeling she'll get when she realises her mama is just like the rest of them?  The one person who is supposed to be a lighthouse guiding the way turns out to be just another insecure hypocrite offering empty words of praise tainted by self-doubt and fear.

So, though it may be fun to have a bit more up top, I just couldn't do it.  And you know what?  That's ok.  I secretly, or not so secretly, love my small boobs.  Because they're mine.

C

Freight Train

It's happening. She can feel it as it does. There is nothing she can do but sit and wait for it. 

Emotions are flooding in adding confusion to each moment. Clarity is slipping away and feelings of frustration are creeping in. She can stop this right, rationalize her way out of emotional confusion and fatigue! Not a chance in hell can she escape this. It's coming and as it gets closer it's picking up speed.

Like a freight Train stopping anywhere it can to add weight; baggage and momentum grow and grow. Full of heavy emotional cargo it comes for her. She sits frozen on the tracks struggling to cope. She'll think her way off the tracks, move and adjust herself with her mind. She remains frozen. Not one muscle moves. 

She can hear it now. Feel the vibrations on the ground as it nears her. The wind is picking up; the gusts sweep her hair across her face. She bows her head so the hair doesn't get caught up in the tears streaming down her face. They are flowing freely now.

She is suddenly aware of the scent of wildflowers is on the breeze but it is tainted by the smell of grease. Grease? 

She looks up just in time to catch the eyes of the conductor. They are so familiar. They look like home; but it's no use to attempt to run. The train is too near and she is still frozen; locked in battle with her mind. She can't look away from those eyes until it's too late...

She blinks, she's in one piece. But how? Slowly opening her eyes; it feels like they've been closed for days and the world is so bright. The sun is shining on her face and the wildflowers are in full bloom. Where is she? 

Surrounded by metal and the sound of screeching metal she is disoriented. Confused but the sun still warms her face with a comfort she has always known. 

She catches movement out of the corner of her eye. She looks up abruptly trying to see what it was. It's a window,  and the scenery is rapidly passing by. Confusing is escalating. 

Glancing around once again, this time more slowly. Taking in her surroundings in detail. The sounds of metal and gears, the scent of grease, the heat of machinery, the mental fatigue that remains from the battle she just fought with herself. Blinking hard and clenching her hands around cold metal. 

A deep breathe brings back those eyes... with a wave of anxiety the memories rush in. Those eyes are so familiar because they are her own. She drives the train. She collected freight at every stop then sat on the tracks waiting for the collision. 

Swallowing the lump in her throat she begins to settle. Clarity rushes in like ocean waves. Love is returning to her heart in warm rays. She is growing calm once again. Reset and ready to open her heart with renewed commitment to herself. She is new, vulnerable, strong and full of love.